In what media insiders are calling “The Real Housewives Of Fox News,” Jeanine Pirro was once again handcuffed and escorted off the set of The Five in a designer straight-jacket after an on-air brawl with co-host Jessica Tarlov left the Fox News studio looking like the aftermath of a bar fight at Mar-A-Lago.
The melee began when the panel was discussing Donald Trump’s recent decision to appoint Pirro as the new U.S. Attorney for Washington D.C.. – a move that many legal experts described as a “war crimes against jurisprudence.”
Tarlov, known for being the only liberal on The Five and for her enduring patience in a sea of intolerance and nonsense, quietly sipped her water, adjusted her glasses, and said, “Jeanine, with all due respect, you might be even more unhinged than Trump himself. Are you sure you’re qualified to be top attorney in D.C.? You once claimed wind turbines were a Chinese conspiracy to control our brains.”
Then it happened.
According to witnesses, Pirro’s eyes narrowed to pinpricks of fury, her wine glass mysteriously refilled itself, and she leapt over the table like a cougar in a cocktail dress.
“You take that back, you socialist bitch!” Pirro screamed as she launched a copy of The Art Of The Deal at Tarlov, who ducked and countered with a well-timed MSNBC tote bag swing.
“What are you going to do, Jeanine? Sue me with your expired law license and delusions?”
Greg Gutfeld was cowering under the desk, whimpering about his podcast , while Jesse Watters tried to mediate using a “calm down” candle, and a copy of his memoir as a peace offering.
Pirro leapt on Tarlov and began pulling out strings of her hair as she screamed like the Zuni warrior doll in the Trilogy Of Terror film.
Security finally intervened after Pirro attempted to get one last jab at Tarlov with a gavel she insists on carrying in her purse.
They stormed the set armed with pepper spray, zip ties, and a large net. Pirro fought valiantly, wielding her gavel like Thor’s hammer, shrieking, “Trump chose me! I have immunity!”
She was eventually subdued with the help of a vat of Pinot Grigio, and calming words from Mike Lindell over a speakerphone.
She was loaded into a waiting van, screeching incoherently about the Deep State, Dominion voting machines, and how Kamala Harris once gave her a dirty look at a brunch buffet.
This marks the third time in three years that Pirro has been forcibly removed from Fox News HQ in a straight-jacket, a record previously held by Tucker Carlson during his brief stint on peyote.
Donald Trump released a statement via Truth Social: “Judge Jeanine did nothing wrong. She is a national treasure. Brave, passionate, slightly unstable. That’s leadership folks. More women should be like her: violent, loyal, and unmedicated.”
At press time, sources tell us that Pirro is back in her “spa for patriots” – aka her padded room with Fox News broadcasts piped in 24/07 – negotiating a book deal titled From Bench To Brawl: My Life As Trump’s Legal Avenger. She is expected to be held for a 72 hour psychiatric hold, and will return to The Five next week.
The Weekly News 