Posted in satire/humor

Barack’s Magic Pen

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Barack and his magic pen , the republicans’ worst nightmare.

March 16 , 2012 , president Obama signed , National Defense  Resources  And Preparedness executive order 13603. It was an updated version that had been around for decades , originally signed by Franklin Roosevelt  under the Defense Production Act of 1950 , and has been amended by nearly every president since then.

Obama hating , Tea Party , gun loving patriots  , went totally bonkers , claiming the president had signed his own executive order that would give him absolute tyrannical authority over everyone and everything in the United States. That is , basically affirming what they had always known since 2009 : that he was a communist dictator , shredding the constitution with his unlawful executive orders with his magic pen. It made no difference that the same policies outlined had been in effect since 1939 , with  executive order 8248.

Victoria Jackson is a conservative writer , best known for her appearance on Saturday Night Live in the late eighties , and early nineties. She’s also a Tea Party , Obama hating , gun loving patriot. She’s written several questionable books exposing the presidents Muslim , Anti-Christ background.

Her previous books , To Serve Obama , and The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House , were critically acclaimed by much of the conservative media , especially Fox News which promoted both extensively. In her new book , Barack’s Magic Pen , she informs her readers of the many executive orders that clearly proves he’s a lawless tyrant , has just been published by WND books.

On a recent segment on The Kelly File she talked about the new book.

Megan Kelly can’t believe how crazy Victoria Jackson is as she talks about her latest book , ‘Barack’s Magic Pen’ , on The Kelly File.

 “In your new book , you claim the president is a dictator for issuing executive orders.”

“That’s right.”

“But every president has issued executive orders. Wouldn’t that make every single president a dictator?”

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Jackson hawking her new book to her Twitter followers.

Victoria : “It’s true that every president has issued executive orders , but Obama has issued more executive orders than all presidents combined. And that’s what makes him a dictator , because he’s acting without congress. He’s basically telling them that the constitution means nothing to him , and with his magic pen he can do whatever the hell he pleases , because he’s a socialist Marxist communist , gay Muslim , and you know how they all hate America.”

“Actually , he’s issued less than any other president.”

“Not according to my sources. In his first three years in the White House he signed 923 executive orders.”

“That would mean it would now be well over a thousand.”

“That’s right. I don’t know the exact amount , but that’s about right.”

Megan : “But , as of today , September 30 , he’s signed a total of 221.”

“No , that’s not right Kelly. I don’t know where you’re getting your information , but whoever told you that is lying to you.”

“Nobody told me anything. I found it on the register website. They keep complete records by each president. There are some other sites that also keep track of them.”

“Only a fool would believe that he would put the actual amount out in the open for everyone to see. Obviously his communist handlers who are pulling the strings in the White House , pulled that number out of their rear ends , just to deceive everyone into believing that he’s the best president we’ve ever had.”

Megan : “Alright. If you’re sources are more reliable , would you care to name a few?”

“Patriot Update , World Net Daily , Western Journalism , God Like productions. They’re all credible sources. A lot more reliable than any communist liberal source , that’s for sure.”

“But according to sources like Snopes and Fact Check , they are not reliable sources.”

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read or see on the internet , Megan. Snopes and Fact Check are owned by liberals and heavily funded  by George Soros , who  is a Obama supporter and a known communist. That’s a known fact.

“Wow. You are a very strange person.”

“I may be strange , but Obama’s a communist Muslim , and I’m going to tell as many people as I can. He’s got so many people – especially his brain-dead followers – fooled into believing that he’s their savior and messiah. Us Tea Party , Gun loving American patriots need to get him out of the White House before he stages a coup and declares himself King and Emperor , just like Rush Limbaugh warned us he would do.

“We haven’t got much time left.”

Posted in satire

Victoria Jackson Discovers Obama’s Mole Is Really His Conjoined Evil Twin

President Obama has been called every name under the sun – a socialist , a communist , a Nazi , gay , a gay Muslim , a terrorist , the Anti-Christ , and even an alien. To reasonable people , all of them are an exaggeration  and a bit of a stretch , but to some , most of these are appropriate names to describe the character and politics of Barack Obama.

But if he were truly a communist , a Nazi , or a terrorist , would any of these be enough to explain his behavior? Or is there something much more sinister behind it?

According to Victoria Jackson , there is indeed something  much more sinister to Barack Obama than meets the eye.

Victoria , a conservative blogger , actress , and talk show host , has recorded two videos , and written two books exposing Barack Obama. Her second , and latest book , The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House : Obama’s Mole Not Really A Mole But His Evil Conjoined Twin , has received mixed reviews from conservative media since its publication last Spring.  The liberal media has laughingly dismissed it as something out of the National Enquirer.

Sean Hannity recently invited her to his show to discuss the book. Fox News , which has had a history of bashing and criticizing everything the president does or says , endorsed and promoted her last book , To Serve Obama , and were all too eager to  promote  the new one.

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Jackson promoting her book , The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House , on Hannity

“Everyone I know who hates Barack Obama believes he is evil because of his communist upbringing ,” she said. “I use to believe it myself. After all , he’s always been good friends with Bill Ayers , and Saul Alinsky , and they are both known radical communists , and were involved in all kinds of terrorist activities. And Reverend Wright was a radical communist too. So it’s no surprise that Obama is a communist and a terrorist – not to mention , a socialist , a Nazi , and a gay Muslim. And anyone who knows anything about communism , knows that they want to take over America , and the world , and make everyone their slaves.

“For a long time , I too believed his mentors inspired him to become an evil dictator. But then , one day , a few years ago , I attended a meeting at the Longworth Building , in Washington , where I learned the truth about Barack Obama. I’ve always known he is a radical Muslim communist since his first run for president. But something I learned at that meeting was more shocking and even more disgusting  than anything I ever knew about him.

“At the meeting , a couple of FBI agents , John and Steve , showed me facts and proof , and evidence including names and pictures , that prove without a shadow of a doubt that the communist Muslims have completely taken over our government and every institution in America. I saw so much evidence and facts and proof on display , more proof than anyone would ever need to impeach the communist , gay Muslim in the White House , and his entire administration. But , unfortunately , it won’t happen , because the communist liberal press will never report the evidence. They will simply cover it up like they always have when someone has evidence against Obama.

“All of the evidence they showed me was shocking enough , but not as shocking as what I learned later. I was just about to leave the meeting  when I met  someone who shared with me his theory of why he thinks Obama is so evil.   I’ve never told this to anyone until I wrote the book. He said that while it has much to do with how he was brought up ,  it doesn’t explain everything.  He told me that something much more sinister and much more evil is behind Barack Obama , something that most people would probably consider insane.

“He said it was Barack Obama’s mole. You know , that  freaky thing beside his nose? I know it doesn’t make any sense. That is , until you consider the fact that the mole is actually his evil conjoined twin , which he called Julio. But wait , that’s not all of it. The mole that is actually his evil conjoined twin , is really the Anti-Christ!

“At first I thought the guy was just pulling my leg or something ; he said it with such a straight face. I thought he would suddenly burst out laughing and admit that it was nothing more than a joke. But I realized he was dead serious. He could see that I was skeptical , so he told me to watch Obama closely , and his mole even closer. He said that if you watched it close enough , it would give itself away by moving ever so slightly. He said it’s controlling Obama through mental telepathy , and that he in turn is controlling us through telepathy , and that Obama is as much a slave of it as we are of him.

“So I watched Obama every time he was on television. And I watched his mole even closer. For a while , I really didn’t notice anything odd about it ; it seemed like just an ordinary , creepy looking mole. Then , just as I was  getting tired of looking at it , and starting to feel like a fool , it suddenly moved! Yes , it actually moved. Not only did it move , but I could see tiny eyes and a mouth on it! It was also wearing a tiny hat , and it was laughing!

“I thought Oh my God , this is disgusting! Moles are creepy enough as they are , but this was beyond disgusting. I felt the urge to barf , but nothing would come but a dry heave. I remember having nightmares for weeks about that disgusting thing.  And soon after that I wrote the book , hoping to convince as many people as possible that Barack Obama’s mole really is the Anti-Christ.

“I don’t care if the communist liberal press thinks I’m crazy. They can laugh all they want. I know for a fact that I’m not crazy. I know for a fact that Barack Obama’s mole is indeed the Anti-Christ , and that very soon  they will complete their socialist , communist , Nazi , gay Muslim , satanic take over of America , take all of our guns away , and throw all of us patriotic gun loving Americans into Fema camps.”

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Obama Wants To Eat Your Kids

Aviary Photo_131066935447578748  Michelle Obama released her cook book ‘American Grown‘ in the summer of 2012. Since it’s release , she has campaigned tirelessly to get Americans , and especially children to exercise with her Let’s Move America campaign , and to eat healthier with her school lunch program. But true patriotic Americans are not buying it. And neither are students and their parents. They are fed up with the First Lady , and are letting her know it.

While most people probably couldn’t care less , some Americans – notably , Conservatives – see this attempt by the First Lady as something much more sinister. As most well-informed Conservative Republicans know , the Obama’s are pure evil and are bent on destroying America and everything it stands for. So it is no surprise that the First Lady would implement such a program. To them , it is just another attempt by the Obama’s to further limit our freedoms  , and ultimately destroy America.

I talked recently with Sarah Palin , who voiced her concerns about this program.

“Michelle Obama thinks she has everyone fooled with her Healthy , Hunger Free Kids Act ,” she said. “But if you watch Fox News , Glen Beck ,  and other conservative media that are not afraid to report the truth , then you know for a fact that she’s not fooling everybody. The only ones who are being fooled are the communist liberals who believe the lies of the communist liberal media. We know the truth about this deceitful program , and we have the facts. Most Americans believe it is nothing more than a harmless program to provide healthier school lunches. But the truth is that this program is designed to allow communist liberal  , Marxist , Nazi , gay Muslims to further infiltrate and control our public and private schools by telling our children what they can and cannot eat.

“First they’re removing God from public and private schools , and replacing Christianity with their Godless Muslim religion , and now this. This is exactly how communist liberal , Nazis , Marxist , gay Muslims behave. And the Obama’s have been behaving this way ever since Barack’s first election. And Americans are getting fed up with it. But thank God these communist liberal , Marxist , Nazi , gay Muslim tyrant dictators won’t be in power much longer. I just hope they don’t take our guns away and throw us all in Fema camps before that happens.”

Victoria Jackson , conservative blogger , and writer , has expressed her own concerns about this seemingly innocent program. And while her concerns may seem reasonable to some , they are certainly bizarre.

“There is nothing innocent about it ,” she said. “I believe it’s more than just an attempt to get our kids to eat  healthier. When I first heard about this program , I suspected there was something more to it. I began to question the purpose behind the program. Could it really be a harmless attempt to get Kids interested in exercising and eating right? Or is it something to be suspicious about? They are communists , after all , and communists are evil and everything they do is evil. And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t something harmless. It was something so unbelievable , and so sinister that most of us would never believe it. I believe it is a subtle attempt to gain total control of our schools and our kids for a much more sinister purpose. And I believe that purpose is to get as many students as possible ,  so sick and tired of all the healthy crap they will be force-fed with this program , that they will gorge themselves on as much junk food as they can. And when enough of them are plump and fat enough , they will be in invited to a special surprise dinner at the White House , and then they will find out what Michelle Obama’s school lunch program is really all about. But by then , it will be too late for them. There will be no hope.

“Remember that Twilight Zone episode , To Serve Man , where the aliens who all looked like Lurch from the Addams Family, came to earth to eat everybody? Well , I wrote a book called ,  To Serve Obama : How Barack Obama The Kenyan , Voodoo , Muslim CannibalPlans To Eat Our Kids , With Michelle Obama’s School Lunch Program. It’s a wake up call to warn Americans of Michelle’s book , American Grown , which is really nothing more than a  cook book.

” Please read it , and take action. We must impeach the communist liberal , Nazi , Marxist , gay , cannibal Muslim before he eats all of our kids!”

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Mutant Ninja Babies : Barack Obama’s Secret Army Of Infant Warriors

Aviary Photo_131072042439607205Soon after he was sworn in for his first term , president Obama has been quietly amassing a secret army that most Americans are not aware of. It is called Fema Corps , a partnership between both Fema and the Corporation for National and Community Service , which  is an organization of young Americans , which are to serve in times of disaster , and to provide jobs. But there are those who believe that it is nothing more than a front for a much more sinister purpose.  Some believe that the president is building a private army to do his bidding – which some believe may be used in a race war – an army of brainwashed communist youth that will eventually be used to take over America , and ultimately the world. An army that some see as similar in design and purpose to The Hitler Youth Brigade.

Are these legitimate concerns? According to Victoria Jackson , there is plenty to be concerned about. Victoria , a conservative blogger , actress , and talk show host , has been highly critical of the Obama administration.

“Obama has been building this army since before he took office – long before he was even elected , in fact ,” she said. “They knew he would be elected , so there was no delay in carrying out their sinister plans for a complete communist , Marxist , Nazi , gay , Muslim take over of the United States. And frankly , I’m surprised it hasn’t been completed yet. But it will. It definitely will. It’s coming. Jade Helm may not be it. I believe Jade Helm is just another exercise for this take over. I believe he is waiting for the last possible moment when he thinks he’s got everyone fooled into believing that nothing is going to happen. And then , wham! The crap hits the fan and we’re all screwed. His brainwashed Nazi , communist , liberal , gay , Marxist , socialist , Muslim army – which I believe will be mostly black , probably Black Panther members – will take  all of the guns away from all of us patriotic gun loving Americans and throw us all into Fema camps , which they’ve got set up all over America. We’ve always known this would happen , from the moment he set foot in the White House. We’ve known from the beginning of his political career that he’s a communist , Nazi , Marxist , gay , Muslim terrorist. He was a good buddy of Saul Alinsky , a community organizer , who was really just a clever communist , liberal , Marxist , Nazi , socialist , gay , Muslim. He was also best friends with Bill Ayres – another communist liberal , Marxist , Nazi , socialist , gay , Muslim –  when he was a kid , and probably helped him plant bombs and explosives , and killed all kinds of people. Too bad they weren’t all Muslims.”

I also spoke with Alex Jones. Mr. Jones is the host of the syndicated Alex Jones show , and the host of two websites , Info Wars , and Prison Planet. He is considered by some to be a crackpot for his many conspiracy theories , among them being the fake moon landings , and the Sandy Hook school shootings , the latter of which he has speculated is an attempt by the Obama administration to further restrict gun rights. What he had to say was not only much more disturbing , but stranger than anything I have ever heard on this particular subject.

“We know for a fact , that for some time now , they have been stock piling massive amounts of weapons , from AK -47s , to machine guns , to equally massive amounts of ammunition ,” he said. “Not only are they stock piling weapons and ammunition , but they are also stock piling coffins , body bags , and guillotines for God sake! Why are they stock piling all of this stuff? Because something big is coming. They are planning on wiping out more than half the population of America – mostly real patriotic gun loving Americans – and placing the rest of us in Fema camps , while they  celebrate their communist , Marxist , liberal , gay , Nazi , Muslim , Illuminati take over of the United States.

“But wait , there’s more. What I am about to reveal may be the most bizarre claim that I , or anyone has ever made concerning the communist take over of America.  According to my anonymous source in the Pentagon , they are also stocking up on tons of diapers , baby food ,  infant sized army uniforms , and miniature samurai swords. Yes , you heard that right. He says that some of the greatest genetic scientists of the twentieth century , have created an army of infant ninja samurai warriors , male and female , each with the strength of two grown men. Yes , I know it sounds crazy. It sounds like something out of a bad science fiction movie. I myself was skeptical , until he showed me absolute proof that this was real. He showed me actual documentation , but unfortunately , the documents were top-secret , and I was unable to make copies.

“He also showed me actual training footage of these infant warriors, It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Infants , and toddlers with adult mannerisms , speaking and acting like grown adults. My source assured me that it will be these infant warriors – that number in the thousands – along with the Fema Corps youth army , that will be used in the communist  , liberal , Marxist , Nazi , gay , Muslim invasion of this great nation and enslave us all. Jade Helm is but a precursor to this invasion.”