Posted in satire/humor, Tomi Lahren

Tomi And The Snowflakes

 Since her departure from One America News , and joining The Blaze Network , Tomi Lahren has become a social media phenomenon. She is best known for her outrageous opinions that very seldom have any grounding in reality or fact. Some of these opinions are so outrageous , such as comparing the civil rights group Black Lives Matter to the modern-day KKK , they have managed to piss people off , and have earned her monikers like White Privilege Barbie , Nazi Barbie , and Aryan Snowflake. Some People have even took to twitter to troll her by purposefully mispronouncing her name.

Some of her other outrageously ridiculous statements include , former president Obama had a friendly to jihadis mentality , meaning he was weak on terrorism ( apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Obama’s foreign policy included droning seven different places around the world in the war on terror ) because he would not utter the phrase , ‘radical Islamic terrorism’ that Ms. Lahren and her fans were so desperate to hear , because saying so would apparently eliminate the jihadi threat to America.

During a recent visit to ABC’s The View , Tomi admitted that as a Conservative she is pro-choice , and called other Conservatives who called themselves pro-life , hypocrites. That was a mistake in the Conservative circle , which got the feisty commentator into hot water with her employer , Glenn Beck. He promptly suspended her , then fired her. Now , the two are suing each other , or have sued each other … whatever.

But supposedly there have been other reasons behind Tomi’s departure from The Blaze Network. According to an article in the Daily Caller , Tomi’s declaration of pro-choice and calling Conservatives hypocrites , was the “final straw in her relationship with The Blaze Network.”  Without naming any sources , the article claims she was rude to her co-workers , argued with several people over controversial views she had expressed , treated assistants like they were slaves , wanting them to always warm her butt pad for her , and cared more about creating controversy than being honest. Also , according to the article , she wasn’t especially fond of Dana Loesch , and went out of her way to avoid her.

Tomi appeared on a recent episode of the Alex Jones Show to set the record straight on the reasons behind her departure from the Blaze Network.

Alex : “Welcome to the show , ladies and gentlemen. I’m Alex Jones , your host for the number one show in Texas , America , and around the world. My guest on today’s show is Tammy Loren – “

Tomi : “Tomi. Tomi Lahren.”

Alex : “Whatever. Ms. Lowen has written several books. White people : The New Victims Of racism In The Age Of Obama , and Obama Wants To Eat Your Guns. Her latest is Tomi And The Snowflakes , which is scheduled for release sometime this Summer by Trump’s Not A Racist And He Loves America Unlike That Other President , Publishing , reveals the events behind her departure from The Blaze , which includes plenty of drama , cat fights , and verbal name calling. Just the kind of drama her fans have come to expect.

“Alright , I’ve read the book , Timmy – “

Tomi : “Tomi.”

Alex : “When my producer gave me a copy of the book , at first I thought it was about a new female rock group or something. Anyway ,  for those who are listening to the show and haven’t yet read it , why don’t you give a short summary of what it’s about.”

Tomi : “The book is about a group of special snowflakes at The Blaze who had a melt down when I called them hypocrites , among other things.”

Alex : “Lonnie – “

Tomi : “Tomi.”

Alex : “Whatever. In the book you discuss several particularly interesting incidents  in detail , such as an encounter with Dana Letch – I probably mispronounced it , I’m not very good with names – who you several times refer to as a bitch , a skank , and a ‘ho’ , and also an embarrassing encounter with Stu Burger , or Booger – ”

Tomi : “Burguiere.”

Alex : “What is that , a french name or something?”

Tomi : “I really don’t know.”

Alex : “It sounds like the french version of the word booger.”

Tomi : “It could be. I have no idea.”

Glenn and Stu ( Sue ). Still a happy couple.

Alex : “Doesn’t really matter. Still sounds like booger to me. Anyway , this guy Stu , or Sue , or whatever his , or her name is , had sex reassignment surgery a few years back , and has been pretending to be a girl , or a guy , or a transvestite , or whatever , ever since. Right? But what’s even more embarrassing is that – and most of Glenn Beck’s viewers don’t even know this , because they’re all so stupid , which is even more embarrassing , and what’s even more embarrassing is that he’s even more stupid than they are – Glenn , and this Stu , or Sue fella , or whatever , have been married for some time now. Yes , that’s right ladies and gentlemen , Glenn Beck actually divorced his second wife to marry a transvestite! I’m not making this stuff up. I wish I was , but I’m not. Who would have thought that Glenn Beck actually has a thing for gay transvestites? Some really bizarre stuff is going on over there at The Blaze. Isn’t that right , Connie?”

Tomi : “Tomi. It’s Tomi , Alex.”

Alex : “Isn’t that what I said?”

Tomi : “No , you’ve gotten my name wrong four times now.”

Alex : “I’m sorry , Suzi. I’m not trying to be rude or anything. It’s just that I’m not very good with names. They all sound the same to me.”

Tomi : “You can’t tell the difference between Tomi and Timmy?”

Alex : “Tomi , Timmy , what’s in a name? They all sound the same.”

Tomi : “Not to me.”

Alex : “Whatever you say , Ronny. Anyway , like I said , some weird stuff is happening at The Blaze , am I right?”

Tomi : ( Rolls eyes ) “Right.”

Alex : “According to the book , Dana Leech was always crapping up a wind storm  when she was around you , because you knew she hated you , and she knew you hated her too?”

Dana Loesch , angry harpy.

Tomi : “That’s right. I couldn’t stand her for several reasons. For one ,  she was always bragging about her so-called native American heritage , which is like 00.00 percent or something – native heritage , my ass – which I always thought was BS , and I told her so once , which set her off. I called her chief Shitting Bull , and she went ballistic. Her eyes bugged out and she said if I ever called her that again , she would sit on me and use my face for a toilet. Another reason I couldn’t stand her was because she always acted like a big shot. She would wear dark glasses and a fur coat every day before she filmed her show , because she was jealous that my show got higher ratings than hers , and she couldn’t stand it , and by wearing a fur coat and glasses , I knew she was trying to mock me. But what infuriated her the most was the fact that I had a butt pad and she didn’t. She was always jealous of the fact that I had a butt pad because my show was more popular than hers. The reason she didn’t have a butt pad is because no one liked her as much as they liked me , which is the reason I got a butt pad and she didn’t. And my butt is perkier and cuter than hers , and needs a butt pad to warm it up. Dana has the butt of a sixty year old woman , and no butt pad would keep that saggy ass of hers from sagging. I mean , look at it. Mine. Not her’s.”

She stood up and jiggled it like a teenager participating in a bikini contest. “Isn’t that the cutest , perkiest butt you ever did see?”

Alex getting excited watching Tomi shake her cute , perky butt.

Alex : ( Blushing ) “Uh … yeah , Ms. Lahren. Very nice Terry , I mean Timmy , I mean Tomi ! Please sit down. My producer’s getting excited.”

Tomi : “That BS about me being jealous of her , was nothing but BS. I was the one that got more attention because my butt is perkier and cuter than hers , and she couldn’t stand it. Dana always had to be the center of attention , because she’s a whiny-attention-seeking crybaby snowflake.”

Alex : “Also according to the book , you told her she looked like a horse , and that you spread a rumor that she was really a guy in drag , like that Stu , or Sue fella?”

Tomi : “That’s right , Alex. When I told her she had a face like a horse , her eyes bugged out , and she screamed , ‘What did you call me , you skank?’ I said , ‘You look like Mr. Ed’s wife!’ She screamed like a harpy again , grabbed a handful of my hair , threw me on the ground , and farted several times in my face. I mean , God , it was disgusting. I wanted to vomit. It stank like a skunk had invaded the studio. She really knew how to stink up the place. I felt like I was going to die from the stench , but at last Glenn came and pulled her off me. This was during a break in a taping of my show Final Thoughts , back in December. But the time I said she looked like a transvestite , that was even worse. Not only did she fart in my face again , she literally crapped her pants. And this time I did almost die from the stench. In fact , I actually barfed. But this time nobody had to pull her off me , because she was so embarrassed , she ran off holding onto the seat of her pants. She never bothered me again after that , I think because she was afraid I would tell someone , anyone. When the book is published , she’ll probably try to sue me , but I don’t care. I hope she gets laughed out of court. But she did tell  Stu that I said he looked like a gay frog , which I never did , and he also farted in my face. But I did say that she – Dana – looked like Sue when he – I mean she – was pretending to be Stu. And he farted in my face again. She also told Glenn that I once came on to Stu , and they both farted in my face. 

“And that was how I really got fired from The Blaze. It had absolutely nothing  to do with my coming out as pro-choice , or calling Conservatives hypocrites. It had everything to do with the fact my butt is cuter and perkier , and more popular than all of their sagging , old fart assess put together.”

 

Posted in satire/humor, Stu Burguiere

Blaze Co-Host , Stu Burguiere Admits To Having Sex Reassignment Surgery

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Stu Burguiere as Sue Burguiere. Dude really is a lady.

Dallas – Stu Burguiere , employed at the Blaze Network , which is owned by Glenn Beck , has admitted to having sex reassignment surgery when he was younger. The co-host of the Pat And Stu Show  , and the host of The Wonderful World Of Stu , also seen on the network , says he did not intend for it to become public knowledge , until during  a recent episode of The Glenn Beck Show in which he portrayed the girlfriend of George Soros in full drag.

“As a kid , I often wondered what it would be like to be a girl ,” he revealed to Megan Kelly on a recent episode of The Kelly File. “The girls in school always smelled so sweat , like flowers or candy , and the boys always smelled like armpits. I know it sounds weird ,” he continued laughing , “but I know I can’t be the only guy who’s ever thought about it. But , anyway , even though I think I was the only guy in my school who didn’t smell like an armpit , because I was always so meticulous when it came to personal hygiene , I never had any success with the girls. I was small for my age , and sometimes I even thought that I looked like a girl. So , one day , I was twelve at the time , I borrowed one of my mother’s two wigs , and one of my sister’s blouses and pair of pants that she seldom wore anymore. I had to sneak them out of the house in my book bag. During recess I had to put them on in a stall in the boys’ room and sneak out without anyone seeing me.  

“I remember walking around the school yard , mingling with the girls , watching them Jumping rope and playing dodge ball. No one recognized me. No one knew who I really was. No one knew that I was Stu Burguiere dressed up as a girl. After a while , some of the girls asked if I was a new student because they had never seen me – the girl I was pretending to be – and I said yes. I even joined them , playing dodge ball. I liked it. Not the game. I liked being a girl. There was no sudden revelation that I knew I was born to be a girl or anything. I just knew from that moment that I wanted to be a girl. I liked dressing like a girl and smelling like a girl. I did it every day for a week , and the more I did it , the more I liked it , even though I was risking getting caught , but somehow managed not to.

“But since I was a kid , there was nothing I could do about it , other than dressing up like one and pretending to be one. I had to wait until I was much older , until I was able to save up enough for the procedure , operation , whatever. This was before I started working for Glenn. I’ve never told any of this to anyone but my wife. The reason I’m here telling everyone my story now , is I don’t want to keep it a secret anymore. We were doing a segment on the Glenn Beck Show one day where I was pretending to be George Soro’s girlfriend , and it was then that I decided I had to tell everyone the truth. The guy you see now , Stu Burguiere , is just a character that I do every day on television and radio. My name is now Sue , and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”   

Aviary Photo_131175858292215920“I’m shocked!” Glenn Beck said when he found out. “I’m totally shocked! I might wind up crying about this like I cry about everything else. Who knew Stu was really Sue! Not me , that’s who!”  

When asked about Stu’s/Sue’s – future at The Blaze , Beck said , “Stu – Sue  , whatever , has done a fine job in all the years he – or she – has been here. Why would I fire him , I mean her?” 

Aviary Photo_131175808450270987“Wow! Stu is really Sue!” Dana Loesch of The Dana Show , said with a grin. “I’m surprised , but I can’t say I’m shocked. I always suspected there was something kind of creepy about him/ her , something not quite right with that dude – chick – whatever. He/she’s  not a pervert is he/she? He /she’s not going to hit on me or anything, is he/she? That would really be creepy!”

Aviary Photo_131175826757810507No one was more surprised and shocked than Pat Gray , Stu’s/Sue’s – best friend of many years.  “I never imagined in a million years that this would ever happen to someone like Stu – I mean Sue. He’s – she’s – the last dude – chick , whatever – I thought would ever do something like this. But I can’t say I really blame him -or her. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a girl too. And , no , I’m not a pervert. I just hope he /she  doesn’t hit on me either. I’m married. But he/ she is kind of cute as Sue Burguiere.”