Before coronavirus was a thing, there was Fart Gate.
In the fall of 2019, during an interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC, Congressman Eric Swalwell appeared to rip one. The embarrassing event – which was nothing more than the scrape of a mug across a table – was nonetheless so big, it trended on Twitter and all over social media.
It was so big, it out-trended some of the biggest scandals of past administrations.
It was bigger than Water Gate.
It was bigger than Russia Gate.
It was bigger than Obama Gate.
Believe it or not, it was even bigger than COVID Gate, that thing that Republicans insisted that former president Trump handled with admiration and great leadership – unlike Obama who allowed the plague of Ebola to run rampant across America, killing all of two people.
The only difference is, Fart Gate claimed no victims. Unless you include the hundreds or thousands who figuratively died laughing.
In a recent appearance last week on Hannity on the Fox News channel, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee passed explosive wind while bitching about president Biden’s vaccine mandate for businesses with at least one hundred employees to be vaccinated, or submit to weekly testing.
“Here’s the thing, Sean,” Huckabee said. “When my mother wanted me to eat spinach, she didn’t tell me that it was good for me, or that it had vitamin E, or any of that good stuff. She told me that if I ate my spinach, I would look like Popeye and be as strong as he was. Well, I hated spinach. But I really wanted to look like Popeye, and I wanted to talk like him too. So, I ate my spinach, and even though I gagged and barfed every time, I managed to keep it down. But, you know what, Sean? No matter how much spinach I ate, I just couldn’t look like Popeye, or talk like him. I ate and ate and ate, and gagged and threw up and gagged and barfed, and no matter how much I ate, I knew I was never going to be as strong as Popeye!
“Well, you know what, Sean? That made me mad. It made me mad that my mother lied to me when she told me spinach would make me strong like Popeye. The only thing eating spinach did for me, was make a wimp out of me. I got beat up by a girl when I wore my Popeye costume for Halloween when I was ten. God, that was so humiliating. I’ve never lived that down to this day, Sean.
“And you what else makes me mad, Sean? Biden’s vaccine mandates. He needs to tell us the benefits of the vaccines rather than scaring the sh – daylights out of us when he says ‘follow the science.’ He’s not following the science, Sean. If he was, he would admit that the science says wearing a mask doesn’t do anything to prevent the spread of COVID, and vaccines are a way for liberals to control those who doubt their effectiveness. He’s not. And the reason? Because he thinks when he eats beans, he doesn’t flatulate and produce gas like the rest of us. Because he’s the president, he thinks his sh – doesn’t stink. But it does. You know what they say about old people farts, Sean.”
“No, I’m afraid I don’t know, governor,” Hannity said, looking uncomfortable.
“What? You never smelled the flatulence of an old person, Sean?”
“Not that I can recall, governor.”
“Well I can, and I can tell you it’s the worst smell on earth. My old granny could fart like the wind, and God did it stink! It was the worst stink on God’s green earth! It was so powerful, it could peel wall paper, it could wilt flowers, and it could literally kill. Why, I remember one time she bottled a gasser and used it to kill -“
“Alright, governor,” Hannity said, looking even more uncomfortable. “Let’s move it along here. I think we’re running short on time.”
“Alright, Sean. I just wanted to say that Biden’s vaccine mandates make me as mad as my mother telling me I could be strong like Popeye if I ate spinache, so mad that I want to tell him what I think of his mandates. Are you ready, Sean?”
“Ready for what, governor?”
Huckabee tooted. It was a long-winded blast that resembled the tooting of a freight train whistle heard from a distance. Shaking his head, Hannity covered his face with a hand, but it was clear that he was more amused than embarrassed.
“That’s exactly what I think of Biden’s mandates,” Huckabee said. “Oops! I think a little something came out there, Sean.”
Hannity burst out laughing.