Posted in Conservative hypocrisy, Liberal Logic 101, Stupid Conservative memes, Uncategorized

Stupid Conservative Memes #47 Liberal Logic 101 Edition

Yeah ,  them Democrats and them God damn liberals are so full of hate and intolerance. They’re determined to take away our freedoms and liberties. Just look at what they’ve done these last eight years , obstructing health care reform , attempting to restrict abortion rights , producing bogus tapes of reputable organizations like Planned Parenthood , and ACORN , destroying people’s lives , reputations and jobs , attempting to defund PP based on lies , actually succeeding in destroying ACORN  ; spreading fear and hatred for a president who was going to invade Texas , and “take away their first amendment rights”; spreading fear and intolerance of Muslims and gay people , calling down the wrath of God over same-sex marriage ; calling a president a socialist dictator over “Obama Care”; supporting and hiding behind “religious freedom” laws to justify their bigotry and intolerance , all the while whining that they are the real victims of intolerance. 

Aviary Photo_131357492871992538   Wait … isn’t that what Conservatives have been doing? But still , they are hateful and intolerant because they criticize Conservatives and disagree with them. How dare they! 

Conservative reasoning : when a Conservative criticizes anyone , it’s free speech. When a liberal criticizes a Conservative , it’s intolerance , and an attack on their right to free speech.  A perfect example of this hypocrisy was the Phil Robertson brouhaha. Robertson was not fired , but suspended , and yet his defenders bitched and moaned to no end about liberal intolerance. But when Martin Bashir made a nasty comment about Sarah Palin regarding her defense of Robertson , her supporters called for his head , and he lost his job. 

Posted in satire/humor

Twenty Ridiculous Things Conservatives Would Blame On Obama If They Could … Part 1

Since Obama first set foot in the White House , conservatives have blamed him for everything real and imaginary : The financial collapse of 2008 that happened under Bush ; the so-called IRS scandal ; the Deepwater Horizon oil spill ; Benghazi ; the rise of ISIS ( never mind that the Status OF Forces Agreement signed by Bush stated that American forces must withdraw from Iraq by the end of 2011 ) , the Katrina debacle , gun confiscation , racially dividing America , destroying the economy , 9/11. You name it , chances are it’s Obama’s fault.

Obama haters seldom accept responsibility for their own actions and love to hate and blame Barack Obama and liberals for everything , so I thought I would list some of the most ridiculous things that conservatives could blame on him.

  • Aviary Photo_130981563006739488
    Obama made her do it , just as he made Wikipedia suppress the real history of Paul Revere’s midnight ride! Thanks Obama!

    Bristol Palin’s pregnancies. Sarah Palin knows that her daughter isn’t really responsible for her own pregnancies , just as she knows her son Track isn’t responsible for getting himself arrested while allegedly kicking his girlfriend in the head while drunk , and while holding an assault rifle. The contraception mandate in the Affordable Care Act is , without a doubt , a birth control plot by the Obama administration , which is , apparently , a part of his nefarious plan to reduce the population through Agenda 21. Thanks Obama!

  • Donald Chump’s hair. Is The Donald’s hair for real , or a rug? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder. There have been so many jokes about it over the years , I wouldn’t be surprised if it suddenly acquired a life of its own. If that ever happened , conservatives would no doubt , blame it on Obama , because liberals have joked about it so often.
  • Sarah Palin’s retelling of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. Anyone who knows their basic American history , knows Paul Revere warned the colonists that the British were coming. Sarah Palin remembers it differently , as if she were there. According to Sarah “I know my history” Palin , Revere actually warned the British that were already there that they would not get their guns. Some of her fans were so convinced of her version of reality that they attempted to alter certain information in the Paul Revere Wiki page. But the page administrators corrected the alterations , which was probably a plot by Obama to suppress the truth. The more I think about it , the more it begins to make sense.
  • Victoria Jackson’s detachment from reality. It’s no secret that Victoria Jackson is insane. Some believe her crazy performance is actually an act. But , I’m not so sure. Since leaving Saturday Night Live , she’s become a Tea Party activist , blogger , and a political expert , convinced Obama is not only a communist , and a Muslim , but a gay Muslim who will destroy America and hand it over to his buddies in the Muslim Brotherhood. She’s also convinced herself , and her devout readers and fans , who are just as insane as she is , that Obama’s mole , his evil conjoined twin – whose name is Julio – is the Ant-Christ ; that he wants to eat Americas kids ; he’s a ruthless dictator who rules with his Magic Pen ; Mickey Mouse , Donald Duck , Acorn , the homeless , illegal immigrants , and the walking dead ( not the TV series , but the real walking dead ) helped him steal the elections , and that Julio made him do it. It was all his fault , but Barack will still get the blame. And apparently , he’s to blame for Victoria’s ODS.
  • Aviary Photo_130981566766972751
    Stacy Dash , Fox News’s political expert.

    Stacy Dash’s numerous lapses of reality. Another clueless celebrity who suffers from Obama Derangement Syndrome. Dash , washed up actress turned political pundit , seems to put her foot in her mouth every time she opens it. She’s denied racism in the Tea Party , claimed the Republican Party endorses same-sex marriage ( despite the fact they’ve thrown temper tantrums over it , calling down the wrath of the Almighty ) , there were no be-headings under Bush , claims Obama is solely responsible for racial division , and more recently , accused the president of not giving a shit about Islamic terrorism – even though he’s bombed the shit out of ISIS , and Al-Qaeda. I could go on and on with this dimwit , but writing about people this dense , is exhausting.

    Conservatives live in their own reality where everything is always Obama’s fault.

Posted in satire/humor

How Obama The Grinch Stole Christmas … Again : The Secular Communist Liberal Medias War On Christmas

Aviary Photo_130924561304432364For more than a decade , the conservative media has portrayed Christians in America under attack from the  secular liberal progressive media ,  and atheists , with their fictitious war on Christmas. It’s become more prominent since Obama took office. It’s become an annual tradition , usually with Fox News and Bill O’Reilly leading the way. It’s obviously a ratings ploy , but many of them  do believe there is an actual war on Christmas.

The evidence is obvious – at least to anyone who lives in a Fantasy Land , which is where many conservatives choose to live. To them , anyone who dares to say Happy Holidays , instead of Merry Christmas , must be part of a communist liberal plot to destroy Christmas. It’s ridiculous , as anyone  who lives in the actual world knows , but to those who watch Fox News , Glen Beck , and listen to Rush Limbaugh , it’s a matter of fact. The roots of this  nonsense goes back to 1959 , when Americas greatest self-proclaimed watchmen of freedom and liberty , the John Birch Society ,  published a pamphlet called There Goes Christmas. Since then , Christmas has been under attack from the evil forces of liberal communism.

The cast of Scrooges in the liberal war on Christmas include not only communists , but these evil Grinches :

  • WalMart. In 2005 , conservative groups went bonkers when the worlds largest retailer failed to use the term Merry Christmas in their advertising. Apparently saying Happy Holidays is a national disgrace to groups like the American Family Association , which prides itself on espousing family values , while having no clue as to what real family values are. These conservative religious groups use black mail and intimidation tactics to get what they want. Everyone must say Merry Christmas to please them , or they’re not true red-blooded Americans. This is the behavior of an authoritarian , a word they frequently love to throw at liberals and progressives. Most conservatives have no grasp of irony – at least those who suffer from ODS and LDS , Obama , and Liberal Derangement Syndromes. In 2006 , Wal-Mart gave in to their intimidation , announcing they would be using Merry Christmas , and the AFA , other groups , and their supporters jumped for joy. They literally turned cartwheels , danced in the streets , and thanked the Lord Almighty that Wal-Mart had seen the light. They had succeeded in saving Christmas – at least as far as Wal-Mart was concerned.
  • Target was another retailer that was black mailed by the fine , upstanding citizens at American Family Association , in 2005. This time they managed to get approximately 700 , 000 signatures for their boycott. Almost immediately , Target also gave into the intimidation , announcing that they too would include Merry Christmas in all of their holiday endeavors , thus making American Family Association giddy with the spirit of a true Christmas that still has the word Christ in it. They had succeeded in saving Christmas again. Twice in one year!
  • Best Buy. One of Americas biggest electronics retailers did not escape the holier than thou wrath of the AFA. Apparently the folks at BB decided that other religious holidays were just as important. This was an unforgivable sin to the AFA , who effectively threw a temper tantrum , and along with the Catholic League , and other conservative religious groups , placed BB and other retailers on their naughty or nice lists.
  • The Gap. November , 2009 , the AFA launched and attack on the clothing chain for what they perceived as the censorship of the word Christmas by the company. What the AFA had apparently failed to notice , was that Christmas was mentioned several times on their website. November 24 , the Gap announced a Thanksgiving ad that would have a very Christmasy theme. Subsequently , the AFA dropped their boycott.
  • Starbucks. Earlier this month  , Starbucks became the latest Scrooges in the so-called war on Christmas when they apparently decided to stick with a plain red cup with no religious or holiday symbols. When Joshua Feurestein , a conservative Christian , bigot , and self-proclaimed internet sensation , found out about it , he blew his top. He then proceeded to post a video of his displeasure of Starbuck on his Facebook page , falsely accusing them of removing religious imagery from their cups , and calling for a boycott. When his fans and followers saw the video , they too blew their tops.
  • Liberals in general. Conservatives who suffer from the dreaded ODS , and LDS , know that all liberals are evil , racist ,  America hating  , Christmas hating Scrooges  at heart. It’s a known fact , since they’re all communists. It’s in their nature , just as cravings are to an alcoholic or a junkie.
  • Anyone who says Happy Holidays. See Liberals in general , Wal-Mart , Target , Gap , Starbucks , and Best Buy employees. See also the Obama’s.
  • The Obama’s. To conservatives , the president is the Scrooge/Grinch-in-chief in the White House , and Michelle is Mother Scrooge/Grinch. They’ve been involved in a number of so-called scandals or controversies surrounding Christmas over the years. Every year around the holidays , the conservative media creates a fake controversy out of nothing to make it look like they hate Christmas. From the Christmas tree , and card controversies , to the Christmas tree tax of 2011 – which had nothing to do with Obama – to the ridiculous brouhaha from Breitfart over the so-called Mao Tse Tung ornament on the White House Christmas tree in 2009 – which turned out to be nothing more than a reproduction from an Andy Warhol painting. Obvious proof that the Obama’s are communists.  More recently , Fox News reported another fake controversy , this one initiated by either the Obama’s themselves , or someone else , involving a plot to steal Christmas , assassinate Kris Kringle , and blow up the North Pole. In predictable fashion , Fox News fell for it , and are still unaware that it was a hoax , or are in complete denial. ( See , How Obama The Grinch Stole Christmas ).

    Aviary Photo_130926485137011947
    “Unhappy Holidays to all , and to all a bad night!” from Obama The Grinch , and all of his liberal Grinch-elves.

In 2013 , Sarah Palin released her ridiculous book , Good Tidings And Great Joy , Protecting The Heart Of Christmas , in which she whines about atheists and liberals ruthlessly attacking the Christmas spirit , don’t chya know , because they’re communists.  She’s written several other books , including , America By Heart , and Sarah Palin Uncut. There was even a book written about her timeless wisdom , The Witless Wisdom Of Sarah Palin. Her most recent book , How Obama The Grinch Stole ChristmasAgain : The Secular Communist Liberal Medias War On Christmas , has just been released by the Disinformation Company.

She’s been featured numerous times on Fox News , and practically all over the communist liberal media. This year , just in time for the holiday Thanksgiving/Christmas season , Rachel Maddow invited Sarah to her show to talk about the new book.

Rachel : “Welcome to the Rachel Maddow Show , Sarah.”

Sarah : “Thank you , Rachel. It’s great to be here.”

Rachel : “I read the book , Sarah , and I have to say it’s … wow … I can’t adequately describe just exactly what I think of it. Do you really believe the liberal media , and liberals in general have been waging a war against Christmas?”

Rachel’s reaction to Sarah explaining how The Obama’s hate Christmas , and how Obama the Grinch stole Christmas … again , on the Rachel Maddow Show.

Sarah : “Well , sure I do. Isn’t it obvious? All you have to do is look around. The evidence is everywhere. People are saying Happy Holidays – well , liberals are anyway – instead of Merry Christmas , every year. It’s really annoying to have to hear people say Happy Holidays all the time. It really knicks my knickers when I say Merry Christmas to somebody , and they say Happy Holidays back to me. It really steams my buns , creams my corn.

“Every year during the holiday – oops! – Christmas season , when I go into a retail store with my family , or by myself , I see all kinds of signs and Christmas displays with the words Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. If I’ve got Trig , or any of my grand kids with me , I have to cover their eyes so they won’t see those disrespectful words , and cover their ears when someone says Happy Holidays. God forbid they should hear those words too often. It very well might damage their precious souls for life , heaven forbid.

“Once , when Trig was five , we went to a Target , and they had this display of Santa and his reindeer flying over … wherever … and Trig he says to me , mom , does baby Jesus cry when people say Happy Holidays , and not Merry Christmas? And I said to him , yes , it makes him very sad. And he said , then why do they say Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas , and I said , because the owners of this fine establishment are obviously communists , and they’re part of a plot to take Christ out of Christmas , and they don’t care if they make baby Jesus cry , that’s why , but they’ll never get away with it. That’s when I knew … when it suddenly hit me like a brick in the face , that the war on Christmas is no joke , like the liberals believe it is , but very real , and we Christians have to stay vigilant , and do everything we can to defend the sanctity of this holiest of holidays – oops! there’s that pesky word again! We have to make sure everyone says Merry Christmas , instead of Happy Holidays , because when someone says Happy Holidays ,  they’re being manipulated by the communists , they just don’t realize it  , and they  – the communists , and their cohorts , the liberals – will do everything they can to take  Christ out of Christmas , and saying Happy Holidays is just a start.”

Rachel : “Interesting. Now , about the main title of the book. How is President Obama a Grinch , and how exactly did he steal Christmas?”

Sarah : “Isn’t that also obvious?”

Rachel : “No , it’s not. Please enlighten me.”

Sarah : “Well , for one thing , he hates Christians , and favors his Muslim brothers. You have to be willfully blind not to see it. He claims to be a Christian , but rarely goes to church. What does that tell you? It tells me that he pretends to be a Christian , but is really a Muslim at heart , who sides with Muslims who hate America , which is indicative of his hatred of America.”

Rachel : “Is that it?”

Sarah : “He not only hates America , but hates Christmas as well. He doesn’t celebrate Christmas like real Americans do. None of the Obama’s do. They don’t refer to their Christmas trees as Christmas trees , but Holiday trees , and they don’t have Christmas scenes on their cards , but pictures of their dogs , for God sake! What does that have to do with Christmas? What will they put on their cards this year , or next year , a picture of Sunny and Bo pooping under the White House Christmas tree to prove how much they hate it?”

Rachel : “I’ll ignore that. You just said they don’t celebrate Christmas.”

Sarah : “They don’t.”

Rachel : “But they have Christmas trees and Christmas cards. How is that not celebrating Christmas?”

Sarah : “Because they don’t call them Christmas trees and Christmas cards , but holiday trees and holiday cards.”

Rachel : “What difference does it make? They’re still celebrating Christmas.”

Sarah : “Not in my book they’re not.”

Rachel : “How would you know they don’t celebrate it? Do you live in the White House?”

Sarah : “No , but they hate Christmas , and that’s a fact.”

Rachel : “That’s just nonsense. But none of this explains how he stole Christmas.”

Sarah : “That’s even more obvious than anything else he’s done.”

Rachel : “Not to me it isn’t. Enlighten me some more.”

Sarah : “Well , Rachel , if this doesn’t convince you that he hates Christmas , nothing will. Last year there was a plot to assassinate Kris Kringle and blow up Santa’s Village , for God sake , and we know it came from the White House.  That’s a fact.”

Rachel : “Yes , it did come from the White House , but it was a hoax. President Obama even admitted it was a hoax. Apparently , someone created – it’s not clear who was responsible – an elaborate hoax , and sent it by email to different conservative sources , and in typical fashion they fell for it and spread it all over the media and the internet.”

Sarah : “Wow , Rachel , no disrespect to you. But you obviously have your head up Barack Obama’s you-know-what. Which is where all his supporters have their heads. It was a very real plot. But they obviously got spooked and called it off , because Fox News discovered what they were up to.”

Rachel : “No , it was a hoax , and I don’t have my head up anyone’s you-know-what. But yours obviously is. The question is , who’s you-know-what? Your own , perhaps? No disrespect to you , too , Sarah.”

Posted in satire/humor

Obama The Duck

 Long before Barack Obama was even elected president , xenophobes , and racists  perceived  him as the Bogey Man , due to the rhetoric and propaganda pushed by Republicans. They believed all kinds of nonsense about him that wasn’t true.  He was a foreigner , a socialist , a communist , gay , a gay Muslim  , an alien , even the Anti-Christ. They are all ridiculous and childish reasons to be afraid of someone. That is , unless you’re living in a fantasy world where reality has no basis in fact , which is where many of today’s Conservatives don’t seem to mind living.

Since the moment Obama set foot in the White House , Republicans in congress and their supporters , have deliberately set out to discredit him. They have done everything they can to smear his name and reputation. They have used fear of a black man with a Muslim name – Hussein – in the White House , because they would rather have a white man as president. If he walks like a duck , talks like a duck , he must be a duck. In other words , he has a Muslim name , so he must be a socialist communist , Nazi , racist , gay Muslim duck.

There have been many  examples of Republican fear mongering. Death panels in the Affordable Care Act , more affectionately known as Obama Care among Conservatives :

July 16 , 2009 , Former lieutenant governor of New York , Betsy McCaughey claimed that section 1233 of the Affordable Care Act would give bureaucrats the right to decide who would live and who would die among the elderly and the disabled. It was repeated by the likes of Sean Hannity , Laura Ingraham , Rush Limbaugh , and Glen Beck.

July 24th , in a New York Post article , she claimed presidential advisor , Ezekiel Emanuel , said the elderly and disabled are not entitled to health care.

August 7th , on her Facebook page , Sarah Palin used the term “death panel” , in a post on the Affordable Care Act ,  which was quickly picked up and spread around the internet , and by others in the conservative media.

At the 2013 Values Voters summit in Washington , Ben Carson claimed that the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing in America since slavery , that it had more to do with control than health care.

Race baiting …

Aviary Photo_130900404849570156
Obama the Marxist socialist communist , Nazi , white culture hating racist , America hating , gay Muslim duck. Quack.

July 28 , 2009 ,  on his Fox News show , Glen Beck referred to the president as a white culture hating racist. Apparently , to Glen , it didn’t matter that his mother , Ann Dunham , was also white. He hates white people , so by Glen’s logic , he hated his mother , and therefore must be a racist duck.

Michelle Bachman’s 2010 Western Conservative Summit speech , complaining that Obama had turned America into a nation of slaves.

July 9 , 2010 , Glen beck whining about the New Black Panthers as Obama’s army of thugs. And in November of 2014 , lamenting that Obama’s executive action on immigration would most likely lead to a race war.

In a Fox interview , Palin accused the president of pining to return to the days when America was divided by different economic classes and skin color.

February 26 , 2012 , Trayvon Martin was fatally shot by George Zimmerman. Supposedly Zimmerman shot him in self-defense , after Martin discovered that Zimmerman had been following him. An altercation ensued , with Martin ending up dead. The Conservative media was quick and eager to jump to Zimmerman’s defense , portraying Martin as a thug ,  that he had gotten what he deserved.  Zimmerman was eventually charged with manslaughter , but was acquitted after trial. Soon after the acquittal , Obama in his remarks about the case , said that ‘it could have been him’ at that age , and expressing concern that these types of events happen all too often. The conservative media , in predictable fashion , went bonkers , accusing the president of race baiting , for daring to compare himself with Martin , while conveniently ignoring that those who defend and condone the murder of a black teenager wearing a hoodie , and reportedly armed only with a bag of skittles while committing no crime , are the true race baiters.

The Birther nonsense :

During the 2008 democratic primaries , speculations of Obama’s place of birth surfaced. It was quickly spread by every Conservative media outlet. Later that year Obama released his official birth certificate. In April , 2011 , he released a copy of his original certificate of live birth. Racists , bigots , and conspiracy fanatics , were convinced they were fakes.

August 2009 , Orly Taitz revealed a fake Kenya birth certificate. She was hoping to convince racists , bigots , and conspiracy freaks that it was genuine.

General fear mongering , some of which has crossed the border of idiocy , and into the realm of lunacy :

  • Obama is a Muslim loving terrorist , who sides with Islam. He loves them so much that he’s actually executed quite a few to prove it. Some intellectuals like Sarah Palin , and Rush Limbaugh have even suggested that he has droned them with flowers , candy , and other goodies.
  • He’s works For the Muslim Brotherhood , and has aided them by giving them jobs in the White House ( see Dana Leosch’s video , Jobs For Jihadis ).
  • He’s arming ISIS – while simultaneously bombing them ( see first paragraph ). Go figure.
  • He hates America. According to Victoria Jackson , in her book Barack’s Magic Pen , she claims he is destroying the country  by “shredding” – with his magic pen – the constitution with his unlawful executive actions , despite the fact that every president has issued executive actions. If that makes him a dictator  , he’s certainly not the first American tyrant.
  • He hates Christians. He’s persecuting them by supporting same -sex marriage , which proves he himself is gay , and which also proves – according to Victoria Jackson – that he’s a Muslim , since Muslim’s obviously endorse homosexuality.
  • He is disarming America. Paranoid gun loving fanatics like Ted Nugent ,  Jan Morgan , and their millions of cohorts , have bemoaned the absurdity of Obama coming for their guns since the moment  he took office. Jan wrote a book about her displeasure with Obama The Gun Grabber , How Obummer And Liberals Are Destroying The Second Amendment God Given Rights of Patriotic Gun Loving Americans. So far he has yet to confiscate a single fire arm.
  • Jade Helm. He’s invading Texas as a prelude to martial law. As a prelude to gun confiscation. As a prelude to throwing patriotic , paranoid gun loving fanatics into friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart stores that have been converted into Fema prison camps. As a prelude to taking over America and turning it into a third world communist dictatorship. Well , Jade Helm has since passed. Patriotic gun loving fanatics have not been rounded up , nor have their guns been taken away.
  • He’s destroying the economy. Well , not exactly. Anyone who seriously believes this , is living in denial. All one has to do is some fact checking to see that the economy has improved. Job numbers are five times higher than they were under the entire Bush economy , and unemployment is at least 5.6 %. But , its common knowledge among the average Obama hating conservative that facts have a liberal bias , and Obummer and the liberals have actually wrecked the economy beyond all repair.
  • Benghazi was a cover up , a scandal. Obama deliberately left four Americans to die , because he’s a Muslim who loves his Muslim brothers more than he loves America. Numerous investigations have said otherwise. And yet republicans continue to waste taxes with endless investigations that have proved nothing.
  • He’s the Anti-Christ. This is one of the most ridiculous claims , right up there with ‘he’s a Muslim’. According to Victoria Jackson in her book , The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House , Barack and his evil conjoined twin , Julio , plan to over throw America just before he leaves office.
  • He wants to eat Americas kids. Another ridiculous claim by Victoria Jackson , supported by her book , To Serve Obama.

The Republicans  and their allies in the conservative media will continue to use fear and misinformation as a means to persuade their supporters to vote against their own interests as long as Obama is in the White House. To those who wish to deny fact and truth , and instead choose to live in fantasy land , Obama will always be a socialist Marxist communist , Nazi , white culture hating racist , America hating , gay Muslim duck. Quack.

Posted in satire

A Candid Conversation With Uncle Ted : How I Learned To Kill And Blow Things Up

Motor-City-MadmanTed Nugent is one of the  most prolific  American rock legends of the twenty-first century , having released  approximately thirty-four records to date ,  and has sold tens of millions  world-wide. He is best known for songs such as Cat Scratch Fever , Wango Tango ,  Stranglehold , and Free For All. Sometimes referred to as the Motor City Madman he is also an avid hunter , a spokesman for the Outdoor cable channel , a board member of the NRA , and an outspoken critic of the Democratic party.

During a 2007 concert , he once suggested that Barack Obama , Nancy Pelosi , and Hillary Clinton have a foursome with his machine gun. Needless to say , none of them took him up on his offer.

Recently , I spoke with Ted about a couple of  his favorite hobbies … hunting – which includes killing  and blowing things up – and his obsession with Megan Kelly.

“Has hunting always been your favorite hobby?”

 “It’s always been my greatest love , ever since I was a kid. I just love to kill things and blow things up ,” he said with a mischievous grin from his Michigan ranch. “When I was eight  , my parents bought me a pellet gun for Christmas. I remember it was a Daisy Red Ryder. It was the first gun I ever owned. I loved that gun. I thought it was the greatest thing a kid could ever have. It was like my best friend. I loved it so much , I named it Ted Jr.. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to , I would have conversations with it. I carried it with me everywhere I went. I ate with it , I slept with it , and I even shat with it. The only place I wasn’t allowed to take it , was to school. I really wanted to take it to school with me. There was this kid that bullied me almost every day. His name was Timmy Toland. But I called him Timmy The Tank , because he was built like one. He was at least three times my size.  Almost every day he  would steal my lunch , give me wedgies – sometimes even atomic wedgies – rub my face in dirt , and sometimes him and his buddies would bring bags of dog doody to school and take turns rubbing it in my face , and I would have to go to class smelling like crap , while my class mates laughed at me.

“I  wanted  to take that gun to school with me so badly , so I could shoot those bastards eyes’ out.

“My father told me that if I ever threatened to shoot anybody with it , I would get the ass whooping of my life. Which , of course , was inevitable and came all too soon. I always expected I would get the ass whooping of my life , but I didn’t think it would be that soon. You see , my brother Johnny , who was two years younger than me at the time , was jealous that I’d gotten a Red Ryder.  Apparently , he wanted one of his own , so one day , on a weekend , I guess he thought it would be cool to play with it while I was asleep. I remember it was a Saturday morning , just minutes before sunrise. And  I also remember there was one box of pellets left and he used them all.  Well , when I found out what he had done , I totally blew my cool. I mean , I complete lost it. I don’t think I’ve ever been that pissed off at anybody – that is , until fifty-two years later when  I’d learned that Obama the Kenyan communist had somehow weaseled his way into the White House.

“When I confronted him – Johnny , not Obama – he tried to blame it on our older brother , Jeffrey. ‘Why are you blaming me?’ he whined.  ‘How do you know it wasn’t Jeffrey?’

“I knew it wasn’t Jeffrey , because Jeffrey wasn’t jealous of us. John  was always the jealous one. He was always crying and complaining that we always got everything we wanted and he never got anything. Of course , he was full of crap , and I told him so. Then I gave him a Nugent Noogie , what Jeffrey gave to the both of us whenever we annoyed him. Second , I gave him a Smelly Nugent – a butt rub to the face , including an expulsion of methane. And third , I made him suck on the barrel of my Red Ryder , while I pulled the trigger. He cried like a little girl , and shat his pants.

“He immediately went running to our father – smelling like crap – telling him what I had done. And that was when I received the ass whooping of my life. It didn’t matter that the gun wasn’t loaded. My father was pissed and determined to punish and humiliate me. Which is exactly what he did. He bent me over his knee , butt naked , while the whole family watched , and  gave my ass a good whooping with a ping-pong paddle. And it hurt just as much as he promised it would. But of course , it wasn’t the only ass whooping I got. I got plenty more ass whoopings before my twelfth birthday , but none of them hurt quite as much as that first one.

“For that little stunt , my father took Ted Jr. away from me. I wasn’t allowed to touch it for a month. He kept it locked in his gun cabinet , and carried the key in his wallet. And again , it didn’t matter that there wasn’t any pellets to shoot it with.

“When I was ten , my father took Johnny and me hunting with him and Jeffrey , for the first time. By then I had my first shot-gun , a Browning automatic. I named it Ted III. My father loved to kill things and blow things up  too , ever since he was a kid. Like his father did  before him. Which is where he learned to love to kill things and blow things up. Jeffrey also loved to kill things and blow things up. The three of us were real manly men , because we loved to kill things and blow things up. The only one who didn’t love to kill things and blow things up , was Johnny. He was a regular sissy boy. He looked like a sissy girl , he talked like a sissy girl , and he ran like a sissy girl. Everything about him screamed girly boy. Our mother always pampered him. He was a momma’s boy. So it was no surprise he turned out to be such a sissy.

“I loved killing and blowing up small animals with Ted III. On that first hunting expedition , I managed to kill and blow up  a total of four jack rabbits , a weasel , a family of four raccoons – a momma and her kids – a family of four possums – another momma and her kids – twenty-seven tree frogs , seven rats , ten field mice , two wood chucks , and twenty-five birds , including six pigeons , twelve ducks , and three geese. I was a regular killing machine. I out shot both my father and Jeffrey. Neither of them killed or blew anything up. And Johnny , all he did was barf and crap and pee his pants , and cry like a little girl the whole time I was killing and blowing things up. Finally , he ran home screaming to our mother like the little girly boy he was.

“My father never took him hunting again. Which was fine with me. If he had come with us a second time , and crapped and peed himself , and cried like a little girl , I probably would have wound up adding him to the long list of all the animals I had killed and blown up.

“I never had so much fun. I felt so alive. It was exhilarating. I’d killed things  with my Red Ryder , but with those wimpy little pellets , it was impossible to blow them up. Part of the fun of killing something , is blowing it up. I like to see blood and guts and fur flying all over the place. I get off on it. And that’s why hunting has always been my favorite hobby , because it’s so much fun to kill and blow things up that can’t shoot back at you.”

“Recently , you got into a bit of a controversy over some remarks you apparently made about Megan Kelly concerning her criticism of Donald Trump during the republican presidential debate. Do you regret those remarks?”

“Not a chance. Let’s face it. Megan Kelly is a bimbo. It’s no surprise to anyone. Every time she opens her mouth , nothing substantial comes out. She’s just reading from a script or a teleprompter. She has no actual opinions of her own. If she did , I wouldn’t watch her. If she had any brain cells in that empty head , that were capable of a cognitive thought process , it wouldn’t be half as fun. She’s like a blow up doll. Speaking of blow up dolls. I have two. One looks like Ann Coulter  , and the other  looks like Sarah Palin , two of the smartest women I know , because they’re patriotic gun loving Americans like I am.”

“Are you obsessed with Megan Kelly?”

“Not really. I will admit that  I watch her every day ,  and I’m always butt naked when I do , and I’ve always got Ann and Sarah with me , while I’m loading one of my guns. That feeling of cold metal on my junk , as I stroke it , imagining that it’s Megan doing the stroking , while Ann and Sarah watch , is exhilarating , and ecstatic. It’s like hunting and screwing at the same time. It really gets me off. I never fail to blow my nuts. Sometimes even the gun will blow it’s nuts at the same time I do , blasting holes in the walls ,  scaring the crap out of both me and my dogs.”

Posted in satire, satire/humor

One Hundred WaysTo Spot A Communist Liberal – Part 1

I recently had a conversation with a friend who happens to be a liberal. For some time I’ve tried to convince him to see the error of his ways. But he stubbornly clings to the illusion that liberals are the good guys and Conservatives and Republicans are the bad guys.

Here are the first ten ways to spot a communist liberal.

1) They believe in their own facts and truth.

2) They deny the existence of a liberal media.

3) They voted for Obama.

4) They refer to Ann Coulter as Ann Coultergeist.

5) They think Bill O’Reilly is a moron.

6) They deny that America is a Christian nation.

7) They think Rush Limbaugh is a fat misogynist ‘tard.

8) They think Sarah Palin is a drooling idiot.

9) They don’t believe all Muslims are terrorists.

And last , but certainly not least – this really should be number one –

10) They actually believe that Barack Obama is intelligent.

  If your friends subscribe to any of the above , then they are definitely Godless communist liberals , and are in need of mental help.