Posted in satire/humor

God Told Me Julio Made Him Do It Again : I Was Attacked By Obama Zombies That Tried To Eat My Brain

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Victoria Jackson and her Politichicks co-hosts , smart , intelligent conservative women.

Conservatives believe some of the most ridiculous nonsense about Barack Obama. He’s a Marxist/socialist who was taught to hate the wonders of capitalism by the likes of Bill Ayers , Frank Marshall Davis , and Saul Alinsky ;  a Nazi fascist who rules with an iron fist because of Obama Care ,  executive order/action , gun control and his endorsement of same-sex marriage ;  a Manchurian candidate who arms ISSIS , and is working for the Muslim Brotherhood , whom he has invited into the White House with open arms.

These are just a few of the more common wing nut beliefs that some conservatives have about the president. Others are so bizarre they can only be found at conspiracy sites like Before It’s News ,  World Nut Daily , Town Hall , Patriot Update , and espoused by the likes of crazy lunatic Victoria Jackson and her equally crazy lunatic co-hosts at Politichicks , who believe all of the above to be true.

Many conservatives live in their own fantasy world where they believe everything they hear or read about the president , no matter how bizarre , or twisted it is. No amount of evidence to the contrary can convince them otherwise. Victoria Jackson and her co-hosts at Politichicks  are convinced that the president is a freedom hating Islamic terrorist who is intent on transforming America into a Muslim paradise ruled by sharia law , and they have convinced their readers and viewers that it is actually being implemented into the court system in certain states.

Victoria has written several idiotic , insane books about the president , including To Serve Obama , and The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House : Obama’s Mole Not Really A Mole But His Evil Conjoined Twin. Her last book , How Barack Obama Really Stole The Elections : God Told Me Julio Made Him Do It , was such a phenomenal best seller among Fox News viewers , who apparently , will never get enough of Victoria’s particular brand of insanity , that she decided to do a follow-up.

The new book , co-written with Ann-Marie Murrell , and Morgan Brittany , Julio Made Him Do It Again : I Was Attacked By Obama Zombies That Tried To Eat My Brain , will be released in early Spring , again from Obama Haters Tea Party Patriot Survival Club.

Brittany , and Murrell , co-authors of the book , What Women Really Want , are regular columnists for Town Hall , Patriot Update , and World Nut Daily , and have both  appeared on Fox many times over the years. Both women , in their columns , have accused the president of being a tyrannical dictator , and of supporting Islamic terrorists. In 2014 , Brittany – and the rest of the conservative media , which eagerly jumped on the band wagon – accused the president of manufacturing the so-called Ebola crisis , which wasn’t much of a crisis , to justify taking away everyone’s guns , and imposing martial law , both of which never happened.

Now she’s come up with a new conspiracy theory – which is included in the new book – that will be sure to have their devout fans on the edge of their seats.

The three of them have also appeared several times on the Kelly File with Megan Kelly.

Megan : “Welcome ladies. Victoria , last time you were here , you swore it would be your last. What changed your mind?”

Victoria : “The realization that time is running out , and we have to get Obama out of the White House.”

Megan : “You’re not still mad at me for being so mean to you?”

Victoria : “It wasn’t really your fault , Megan. You just don’t know any better.”

Megan : “What do you mean?”

Victoria : “Obama’s a gay Muslim communist , and he’s got everyone – well , almost everyone – fooled into believing that he’s saved America , the economy , and … and … what’s the word I’m looking for?”

Ann-Marie : “All kinds of stuff?”

Victoria : “Yeah , that’s it! He’s fooled everyone into believing he’s saved America from all kinds of stuff , and because liberals and progressives – who are really communists – are brainwashed , they believe it.”

Megan : “Are you suggesting that he’s got me fooled? For your information , nobody’s got me fooled. And all kinds of stuff is four words. But , anyway , what  exactly do they believe?”

Victoria : “You know , all kinds of stuff.”

Megan : “Such as?”

Victoria : “Well , that he’s not a gay Muslim communist.”

Megan : “But that’s not an example of how he’s fooled everyone into believing he’s saved America. Ann-Marie , Morgan? Got any ideas?”

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Ann-Marie Murrell , and Morgan Brittany trying to come up with an example of how Obama has fooled stupid and brainwashed liberals into believing he has saved America.

Ann-Marie : “Uh … well , uh … “

Megan : “Morgan?”

Morgan : “Uhhhmm … let’s see … uh … “

Megan : “This is not a quiz , guys. It’s a simple question that requires a simple answer.”

Ann-Marie : “Hold on , I’m thinking.”

Morgan : “Me too.”

Victoria : “Oh , I know! I know!” ( she raises her hand ).

Megan : “There’s no need to raise your hand , Victoria. You’re not in class.”

Victoria : “The economy?!”

Megan : “You already said that.”

Victoria : “Then why did you ask , Megan?!”

Megan : “Oh , dear lord. Why don’t we just get to the new book?”

Victoria : “Did you read it this time?”

Megan : Yes , I did.”

Victoria : “And what did you think of it?”

Megan : “You don’t really want to know.”

Victoria : “You didn’t like it?”

Megan : “It doesn’t matter if I like it or not. What matters is that your readers like it , as I’m sure they will once you  tell them what it’s about.”

Victoria : “It’s mostly about an experience the three of us had at a CPAC convention three years ago. We were all guest speakers talking about the importance of getting Obama out of the White House , and ridding America of liberals and progressives – who are really communists , and fascists , and gay Muslim lovers -“

Ann-Marie : “And all kinds of other stuff.”

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Victoria Jackson , explaining how Obama is destroying America , and all kinds of other stuff.

Victoria : “Yeah , and all kinds of other stuff , because they want to destroy it , because that’s what they were all taught to do by Bill Ayers , Saul Alynski , and Frank Marshall Davis , who is Obama’s real daddy. We know this for a fact , because the Muslim Brotherhood are hanging out in the White House , and Obama’s making rap videos with them and they’re giving him advise on foreign policy , telling him to support ISSIS , the murder of Christians in the middle east , and to thumb his nose at Israel because he’s a narcissist with a huge ego who can’t wait to call himself king and emperor of the world.”

Megan : “What? And I suppose Julio told you that president Obama is making rap videos with the Muslim Brotherhood?”

Victoria : “No , Megan! God told me! Jeez! You really need to pay attention.”

Megan : “Sorry. So , God told you that president Obama is rapping with the Muslim Brotherhood , and – “

Victoria : ( anger in her voice ) “And Julio made him do it!”

Megan : ( laughing ) “Julio made him do it! Oh God , here I go again! I can’t stop it!”

Victoria : “Stop laughing , Megan! It’s not funny!”

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Megan Kelly can’t stop laughing at Victoria Jackson.

Megan : ( still laughing ) “Yes it is! It’s still the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! Obama’s mole is the Anti-Christ , and its name is Julio! Oh Jesus Christ , God almighty , Jesus , Mary , Joseph , and the apostles , and the donkey He rode into Jerusalem on! ( laughing so hard , she slapped the table top a few times , startling Anne-Marie , and Morgan , both of whom had been staring at her with a half puzzled , half shocked expression.

Victoria : “I warned you , Megan! You better stop laughing or else -“

Megan : “Alright , alright , OK , no more laughing. Now what happened at the CPAC convention?”

Victoria : “What do you think happened , Megan? We were attacked by Obama zombies that tried to eat our brains! That’s what happened. Ann-Marie and Morgan were sitting behind me , waiting to speak , when mindless , drooling zombies rushed the stage , apparently angry that I was criticizing their zombie boss. There were dozens of them , just like in that TV show , the Walking Dead. Their eyes were lifeless , and they were chanting  Obama , and must have brains , over and over again. The crowd scattered out of their way , screaming and begging not to be eaten , but some of them were caught anyway , and their brains were instantly devoured. We knew we had to get out of there , or we would be next , so we ran for our lives , and managed to escape just in time.”

Megan : “You’re just making this up , aren’t you? Come on , admit it.”

Victoria : “I’m not making anything up. It really happened. Didn’t it , Morgan , Ann?”

Morgan : “It really happened.”

Anne-Marie : “Yep , and all kinds of other stuff.”

Victoria : “And it will happen again. Obama will suspend the elections , and announce himself king and emperor , and then he will unleash his hordes of zombies ,  the Fema Corp Youth Brigade – who are communists and Nazis – and the infant ninja warrior army that Alex Jones warned us about , on everyone but his followers , and they will round-up all of us patriots  and throw us in Fema camps , and then eat our brains , and then bury us all in millions of coffins. Ask Morgan. She predicted it will happen. She’s never wrong.”

Megan : “And I suppose Julio will make him do that , too?”

Victoria : “Yes , Megan! Julio makes him do everything , Megan! Everything is Julio’s fault! He is the Anti-Christ , after all!”

Megan : “Julio made him do it again!” ( she bursts out laughing ).

Victoria : “I told you Megan , if you don’t stop laughing , this really will be my last appearance on your show.”

Megan : “Like I said last time , Victoria , I seriously doubt it.”

Victoria : “Oh yeah? Watch me again! And this time I mean it!”

Anne-Marie : “And all kinds of other stuff!”

Posted in satire/humor

Bye Bye America Died … That Was The Day That I Cried And I Cried

November 4 , 2008 Barack Obama was initially elected forty-fourth president of the United States.  Conservatives all over America lost their minds , and the Tea Party was officially born.  The prevailing consensus was that he was a foreigner , a communist socialist , gay , and a Muslim , therefore not fit to be president. They were paranoid that he would destroy America and take their guns away. He was a liberal democrat , after all , which according to the average  Fox viewing conservative ,  is  equivalent to communism. It certainly wasn’t the color of his skin.

In a 2007 concert , Ted Nugent called the president a POS , and advised him to suck on his machine gun. He referred to Hillary Clinton as a toxic c**t , and invited her to take a ride on the same weapon.

In a 2012 twitter rant , he complained to his followers that those who voted for Obama were nothing more than pimps , whores and welfare queens.  In a related tweet , he also referred to them as sub humans for wanting others to pay for their birth control , abortions , Obama Care , Obama phones , and all the other free stuff that liberals love to get at the expense of true patriotic , Obama hating conservatives. It’s ironic , considering that he obviously didn’t mind his taxes being used to pay for two wars , under George Bush , that the majority of Americans didn’t  want.

In 2012 he lamented that he would either be dead or in jail if Obama was reelected. But to the disappointment of liberals , progressives – and even some conservatives –  uncle Ted remains alive and free , thus proving that republicans have a problem with keeping promises , something they’ve always accused Obama of being guilty of.

Uncle Ted wasn’t the only conservative who lost his mind when Obama became president. Victoria Jackson not only lost her mind , but she cried  , fearing that America was doomed for voting for an obvious communist , and a Muslim. When Obama was reelected , she went into a fit of hysterics and has been bawling her eyes out ever since  , because this time America had  actually “died.” Apparently , Obama had done exactly what his communist mentors and buddies had taught him to do :  destroy America  the second time around – apparently he had failed miserably to destroy  it during his first term ( after all , he is the worst president in American history ) – by shredding the constitution with executive action , and all kinds of other stuff.

She’s the author of several ridiculous books  about Obama , including Barack’s Magic Pen. Her latest , Bye Bye America Died … That Was The Day That I Cried And I Cried. It’s also the name of her new video.

Once again , Americas favorite dingbat appeared on The Kelly File with Megan Kelly , shamelessly hawking her new book.

Megan : “Welcome back , Victoria.”

Victoria Jackson shamelessly hawking her new book , Bye Bye America Died … That Was The Day That I Cried And I Cried , on The Kelly File with Megan Kelly.

Victoria : “Thank you for having me.”

Megan : “You’re not going to cry , are you?”

Victoria : “I don’t know. It depends.”

Megan : “Depends on what?”

Victoria : “If I can control myself. You see , it’s been very hard not to cry since Obama’s been reelected.”

Megan : “Why is that?”

Victoria : “Because he’s a communist , and he’s destroying America. I’ve been crying almost non stop. As a matter of fact , when I was writing the book  I could barely see what I was doing , because my eyes were so watery from all the tears and I just kept crying and crying , and the water poured from my eyes like a rusty faucet that doesn’t want to shut off ,  and I almost drowned in my own tears because I -“

Megan : “OK , I think we get the picture , Victoria. You’re very sad. Let’s talk about the new book.”

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Megan Kelly’s reaction to Victoria’s song , Bye Bye America Died.

Victoria : “First I want to play a new song I wrote. It’s called Bye Bye , America Died. It’s sung to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean , and it goes like this.”

With her trusted ukulele she began strumming her new song.

“Bye bye America died and that was the day that I cried and I cried ,

’cause Obama’s in the White House and I’m feeling so sad ,

but instead of getting mad I just cry …

that’s the day America died …

Whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa!

Obama’s in the White House and I’m so so sad ,

but instead of getting mad I just cry and I cry ,

 ’cause that’s the day America died … that’s the day America died …

Whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa! whaa!

Obama’s in the White House and I’m feeling real sad ,

but instead of getting mad I just cry and I cry …

’cause that’s the day America died .. that’s the day America died ..

bye bye America died and that was the day that I cried and I cried ,

Obama’s in the White House and I’m feeling so blue ,

I’m so scared and you should be too ,

’cause that’s the day America died …”

Megan : “Oh lord almighty. That sure was something. What exactly , I won’t say.”

Victoria : ” That’s just the short version. You can get the regular version that’s included with the book. So , buy my new book , everybody! You won’t be disappointed.”

Megan : “Now can we talk about the book?”

Victoria : “Sure Megan. The book is about the death of America. Duh! Because of Obama. What else?”

Megan : “Exactly how is he destroying America?”

Victoria : “Are you blind?! Take a look around you , Megan. There’s a communist and a Muslim in the White House. If that doesn’t scare you , it should. And every one of the democrats in congress are communists , too. Just ask Allen West , he’ll tell you all about it.  It’s just so obvious how many ways this country is being destroyed. The economy for instance. We are much worse off now than we were under George Bush. The deficit has sky rocketed , the national debt is a thousand  times worse , and millions and millions and millions of people are losing their jobs every month. That’s pretty scary. And if that isn’t scary enough ,  he’s also persecuting Christians by mocking God , by supporting same-sex marriage , changing the definition of traditional marriage with the help of his communist buddies in the Supreme Court , and not allowing Him back into our public and private schools , where He belongs. But the scariest thing of all , is that he’s  invited ISIS to cross the border. They’ve got camps all over Texas and Mexico , and they’re spreading all over America , and why isn’t the liberal media saying anything about it? If you don’t believe me , go to Texas , or Mexico and see for yourself. And if that isn’t scary enough , he’s also a gay Muslim , and a Muslim jihadist who sides with his Muslim brothers – or sister/brothers , since they’re all most likely gay , too. Obama has encouraged them  to teach their Godless religion in our schools , and to teach our kids how to be gay Muslims , and nobody’s doing anything about that either. And that is so sad. No one seems to care that this country is going to hell , literally because of Obama and the liberal progressives who’s only concern is turning America into a third world communist hell hole , just like Ann Coulter says they will. But not before they take all of our guns away and throw all of us true patriots into Wal-Mart Fema stores , where we can save more and live better.”

Posted in satire

I was Mooned By Barack Obama In A UFO

It was reported by some local and international news outlets that Barack Obama has been seen flying around the Washington D.C. area in a small , one man UFO.  Apparently  a number of citizens in the area called in the sightings to local authorities , as well as other local news  and radio stations. These odd sightings have been witnessed by citizens who swear they were not  intoxicated or high on drugs.

Most credible major news sources have dismissed the reports as ridiculous and laughable , but Fox news , its affiliates , and many conservative outlets have reported the sightings as fact , and have gone so far as to interrupt regular programming to cover the so-called events.

“One such sighting was witnessed by Ophelia Strunk , and her group , LAUGH , The Ladies Association of UFO Groups Of Henryetta , Oklahoma. Ophelia was leading her group on a tour of the D.C. area where a number of famous sightings have taken place in the past. Ophelia has claimed to witness many strange events , including ghost sightings , hauntings , and demonic possession. She also claims to have been abducted by fairies when she was a teenager ,  and more recently , saw Elvis  inside an alien craft , who told her that he had been living on Venus since faking his death in 1977.

Ophelia was interviewed by Megan Kelly on the Kelly File , which airs week nights on the Fox News channel.

“I was guiding my group on a tour of Washington D.C. that night , as I do every year , when I saw the strangest thing I’ve ever seen ,” she said. “I’ve seen strange things in my years as a member of LAUGH , but this was the strangest thing ever. I’ve seen ghosts of famous celebrities , was kidnapped by fairies who took me to help them save their kingdom from an evil ogre , visited haunted houses , was once possessed by the spirit of  Janis Joplin , who made me sing Try A Little Harder  for a high school talent contest – I sounded just like her too – and once I even saw Elvis in a UFO , who told me that he’s been living on Venus in a luxury resort for the wealthy.

“Some people think I’m crazy when I tell these stories , especially the Elvis and Janis Joplin stories. I know they sound crazy , but I’m not crazy. If they had happened to someone else , I would probably think they were crazy too. But I’m not. Anyway , we were at the Washington Monument , not far from the White House , when I saw it. We all saw it. There was a flash of light in the sky , and I looked up just in time to see something streak by not very far over head.

” ‘What was that?’ one of the ladies said , looking up.

” ‘Probably a shooting star ,’ I said.

“A few seconds later , there was another flash of light. One of the ladies looked up and screamed. ‘Oh my God! Look! An Unidentified Flying Obama!’

Unidentified Flying Obama in his one man UFO over Washington D.C.
Unidentified Flying Obama in his one man UFO over Washington D.C.
“It was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen ,” said Ophelia Strunk. “I was so freaked out , I couldn’t help but faint.”

“We all looked up and sure enough , there was the face of Barack Obama staring down at us! He was in a small , compact saucer-shaped machine. The interior was lit up with a greenish glow.  It was so small that he was all scrunched up inside of it. He looked comfortable though. And he was smiling. It looked more like an evil grin , and his eyes were glowing , also green. Unidentified Flying Obama was written on the side in bold letters. It hovered there silently , perhaps thirty to forty feet directly above us for about two minutes.

“I can’t tell you just how freaked out we were.  Some of the ladies looked like they were about to faint. I felt like fainting myself. I was barely holding onto my sanity. Any moment  I knew I might pass out from fright if I didn’t get away from it. But I didn’t want Obama to think I was a coward by running away. I would probably never hear the end of it when I told my husband , and friends at work.

 “Seeing Obama’s face in a UFO is scary enough , but it’s nothing compared to what  happened next. Before it left , it did a complete one-eighty , and Obama pulled down his pants and mooned us! Then , just before it flew away in a streak of light , it turned back to face us , and he was laughing!

 “Several of the ladies screamed , including myself. It was so terrifying  that I wanted to scratch my eyes out , but it wouldn’t do any good , because the image would be forever burned in my memory. Instead , I did the only thing I could do. I fainted.

“I’ve always thought Obama has a scary looking face , but to see it and his hairy butt that close up , and in a UFO  , is even scarier.”

Posted in satire

A Candid Conversation With Uncle Ted : How I Learned To Kill And Blow Things Up

Motor-City-MadmanTed Nugent is one of the  most prolific  American rock legends of the twenty-first century , having released  approximately thirty-four records to date ,  and has sold tens of millions  world-wide. He is best known for songs such as Cat Scratch Fever , Wango Tango ,  Stranglehold , and Free For All. Sometimes referred to as the Motor City Madman he is also an avid hunter , a spokesman for the Outdoor cable channel , a board member of the NRA , and an outspoken critic of the Democratic party.

During a 2007 concert , he once suggested that Barack Obama , Nancy Pelosi , and Hillary Clinton have a foursome with his machine gun. Needless to say , none of them took him up on his offer.

Recently , I spoke with Ted about a couple of  his favorite hobbies … hunting – which includes killing  and blowing things up – and his obsession with Megan Kelly.

“Has hunting always been your favorite hobby?”

 “It’s always been my greatest love , ever since I was a kid. I just love to kill things and blow things up ,” he said with a mischievous grin from his Michigan ranch. “When I was eight  , my parents bought me a pellet gun for Christmas. I remember it was a Daisy Red Ryder. It was the first gun I ever owned. I loved that gun. I thought it was the greatest thing a kid could ever have. It was like my best friend. I loved it so much , I named it Ted Jr.. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to , I would have conversations with it. I carried it with me everywhere I went. I ate with it , I slept with it , and I even shat with it. The only place I wasn’t allowed to take it , was to school. I really wanted to take it to school with me. There was this kid that bullied me almost every day. His name was Timmy Toland. But I called him Timmy The Tank , because he was built like one. He was at least three times my size.  Almost every day he  would steal my lunch , give me wedgies – sometimes even atomic wedgies – rub my face in dirt , and sometimes him and his buddies would bring bags of dog doody to school and take turns rubbing it in my face , and I would have to go to class smelling like crap , while my class mates laughed at me.

“I  wanted  to take that gun to school with me so badly , so I could shoot those bastards eyes’ out.

“My father told me that if I ever threatened to shoot anybody with it , I would get the ass whooping of my life. Which , of course , was inevitable and came all too soon. I always expected I would get the ass whooping of my life , but I didn’t think it would be that soon. You see , my brother Johnny , who was two years younger than me at the time , was jealous that I’d gotten a Red Ryder.  Apparently , he wanted one of his own , so one day , on a weekend , I guess he thought it would be cool to play with it while I was asleep. I remember it was a Saturday morning , just minutes before sunrise. And  I also remember there was one box of pellets left and he used them all.  Well , when I found out what he had done , I totally blew my cool. I mean , I complete lost it. I don’t think I’ve ever been that pissed off at anybody – that is , until fifty-two years later when  I’d learned that Obama the Kenyan communist had somehow weaseled his way into the White House.

“When I confronted him – Johnny , not Obama – he tried to blame it on our older brother , Jeffrey. ‘Why are you blaming me?’ he whined.  ‘How do you know it wasn’t Jeffrey?’

“I knew it wasn’t Jeffrey , because Jeffrey wasn’t jealous of us. John  was always the jealous one. He was always crying and complaining that we always got everything we wanted and he never got anything. Of course , he was full of crap , and I told him so. Then I gave him a Nugent Noogie , what Jeffrey gave to the both of us whenever we annoyed him. Second , I gave him a Smelly Nugent – a butt rub to the face , including an expulsion of methane. And third , I made him suck on the barrel of my Red Ryder , while I pulled the trigger. He cried like a little girl , and shat his pants.

“He immediately went running to our father – smelling like crap – telling him what I had done. And that was when I received the ass whooping of my life. It didn’t matter that the gun wasn’t loaded. My father was pissed and determined to punish and humiliate me. Which is exactly what he did. He bent me over his knee , butt naked , while the whole family watched , and  gave my ass a good whooping with a ping-pong paddle. And it hurt just as much as he promised it would. But of course , it wasn’t the only ass whooping I got. I got plenty more ass whoopings before my twelfth birthday , but none of them hurt quite as much as that first one.

“For that little stunt , my father took Ted Jr. away from me. I wasn’t allowed to touch it for a month. He kept it locked in his gun cabinet , and carried the key in his wallet. And again , it didn’t matter that there wasn’t any pellets to shoot it with.

“When I was ten , my father took Johnny and me hunting with him and Jeffrey , for the first time. By then I had my first shot-gun , a Browning automatic. I named it Ted III. My father loved to kill things and blow things up  too , ever since he was a kid. Like his father did  before him. Which is where he learned to love to kill things and blow things up. Jeffrey also loved to kill things and blow things up. The three of us were real manly men , because we loved to kill things and blow things up. The only one who didn’t love to kill things and blow things up , was Johnny. He was a regular sissy boy. He looked like a sissy girl , he talked like a sissy girl , and he ran like a sissy girl. Everything about him screamed girly boy. Our mother always pampered him. He was a momma’s boy. So it was no surprise he turned out to be such a sissy.

“I loved killing and blowing up small animals with Ted III. On that first hunting expedition , I managed to kill and blow up  a total of four jack rabbits , a weasel , a family of four raccoons – a momma and her kids – a family of four possums – another momma and her kids – twenty-seven tree frogs , seven rats , ten field mice , two wood chucks , and twenty-five birds , including six pigeons , twelve ducks , and three geese. I was a regular killing machine. I out shot both my father and Jeffrey. Neither of them killed or blew anything up. And Johnny , all he did was barf and crap and pee his pants , and cry like a little girl the whole time I was killing and blowing things up. Finally , he ran home screaming to our mother like the little girly boy he was.

“My father never took him hunting again. Which was fine with me. If he had come with us a second time , and crapped and peed himself , and cried like a little girl , I probably would have wound up adding him to the long list of all the animals I had killed and blown up.

“I never had so much fun. I felt so alive. It was exhilarating. I’d killed things  with my Red Ryder , but with those wimpy little pellets , it was impossible to blow them up. Part of the fun of killing something , is blowing it up. I like to see blood and guts and fur flying all over the place. I get off on it. And that’s why hunting has always been my favorite hobby , because it’s so much fun to kill and blow things up that can’t shoot back at you.”

“Recently , you got into a bit of a controversy over some remarks you apparently made about Megan Kelly concerning her criticism of Donald Trump during the republican presidential debate. Do you regret those remarks?”

“Not a chance. Let’s face it. Megan Kelly is a bimbo. It’s no surprise to anyone. Every time she opens her mouth , nothing substantial comes out. She’s just reading from a script or a teleprompter. She has no actual opinions of her own. If she did , I wouldn’t watch her. If she had any brain cells in that empty head , that were capable of a cognitive thought process , it wouldn’t be half as fun. She’s like a blow up doll. Speaking of blow up dolls. I have two. One looks like Ann Coulter  , and the other  looks like Sarah Palin , two of the smartest women I know , because they’re patriotic gun loving Americans like I am.”

“Are you obsessed with Megan Kelly?”

“Not really. I will admit that  I watch her every day ,  and I’m always butt naked when I do , and I’ve always got Ann and Sarah with me , while I’m loading one of my guns. That feeling of cold metal on my junk , as I stroke it , imagining that it’s Megan doing the stroking , while Ann and Sarah watch , is exhilarating , and ecstatic. It’s like hunting and screwing at the same time. It really gets me off. I never fail to blow my nuts. Sometimes even the gun will blow it’s nuts at the same time I do , blasting holes in the walls ,  scaring the crap out of both me and my dogs.”