From the October 21 broadcast of the Mark Levin Show:
"Can you believe the House of Representatives has voted to hold Steve Bannon in Contempt for failing to testify?" Levin screeched in his nasally voice. "You know who I hold in Contempt? The Democrats, that who!
"They want Bannon in prison! In prison for what?! For supporting Donald Trump?! For believing the election was stolen? For believing Hugo Chavez possessed Dominion voting machines to flip votes for Joe Biden?! What's wrong with that?! They didn't want Eric Holder in prison for contempt, when he was involved in Fast and Furious! You know, that scandal where he deliberately sold guns to drug cartels that actually got somebody killed?!WhodiedattheCapitolriot? Nobody! That'swho!
"What's that, Mr. Producer?"
Mr. Producer: "I said, Ashli Babbitt died at the Capitol. And the reason why Eric Holder wasn't threatened with jail time is most likely because he was acting Attorney General, whereas Steve Bannon is a private citizen."
Levin: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that Ashli Rabbit-"
Mr. Producer: "Babbitt."
Levin: "Babbit... died at the Capitol. Alright, so where's the evidence that Steve Bannon had anything to do with violence at the Capitol on January 6th? There is none! You want to know what violence is? I'll tell you what violence is! Violence is Nancy People clapping sarcastically at president Trump! Yeah, that's right. Don't you think that behavior might give certain people the wrong idea?! Violence is Maxine Waters telling people to heckle Sarah Huckabee Sanders in public! That might give certain people ideas! Violence is putting an orange wig on a dildo and pretending it's Trump! It might give certain people ideas!
"Bannon had nothing to do with violence at the Capitol! We know damn well who it was! It was Antifa and the Democrats! That's who it was! Fox News reported on it! I reported on it! Newsmax reported on it! They're one of the most credible news sources out there! They have news in their name! All they report is the news, none of the nonsense that you see at CNN, that Biden won the election and vaccine mandates really work. Every credible news source reported that it was Antifa and BLM masquerading as Trump supporters just to make them all look bad! The sources that claimed it was Trump supporters, lied! The Clinton News Network and the MSLSD's!
"But the Democrats don't care about that! Because, as you know, prosecuting protesters of a rigged election is more important than BLM and Antifa burning down entire cities!"
Mr. Producer: "No city has been burned to the ground, to my knowledge."
"That's what they want you to think, Mr. Producer!"
Before coronavirus was a thing, there was Fart Gate.
In the fall of 2019, during an interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC, Congressman Eric Swalwell appeared to rip one. The embarrassing event – which was nothing more than the scrape of a mug across a table – was nonetheless so big, it trended on Twitter and all over social media.
It was so big, it out-trended some of the biggest scandals of past administrations.
It was bigger than Water Gate.
It was bigger than Russia Gate.
It was bigger than Obama Gate.
Believe it or not, it was even bigger than COVID Gate, that thing that Republicans insisted that former president Trump handled with admiration and great leadership – unlike Obama who allowed the plague of Ebola to run rampant across America, killing all of two people.
The only difference is, Fart Gate claimed no victims. Unless you include the hundreds or thousands who figuratively died laughing.
In a recent appearance last week on Hannity on the Fox News channel, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee passed explosive wind while bitching about president Biden’s vaccine mandate for businesses with at least one hundred employees to be vaccinated, or submit to weekly testing.
“Here’s the thing, Sean,” Huckabee said. “When my mother wanted me to eat spinach, she didn’t tell me that it was good for me, or that it had vitamin E, or any of that good stuff. She told me that if I ate my spinach, I would look like Popeye and be as strong as he was. Well, I hated spinach. But I really wanted to look like Popeye, and I wanted to talk like him too. So, I ate my spinach, and even though I gagged and barfed every time, I managed to keep it down. But, you know what, Sean? No matter how much spinach I ate, I just couldn’t look like Popeye, or talk like him. I ate and ate and ate, and gagged and threw up and gagged and barfed, and no matter how much I ate, I knew I was never going to be as strong as Popeye!
“Well, you know what, Sean? That made me mad. It made me mad that my mother lied to me when she told me spinach would make me strong like Popeye. The only thing eating spinach did for me, was make a wimp out of me. I got beat up by a girl when I wore my Popeye costume for Halloween when I was ten. God, that was so humiliating. I’ve never lived that down to this day, Sean.
“And you what else makes me mad, Sean? Biden’s vaccine mandates. He needs to tell us the benefits of the vaccines rather than scaring the sh – daylights out of us when he says ‘follow the science.’ He’s not following the science, Sean. If he was, he would admit that the science says wearing a mask doesn’t do anything to prevent the spread of COVID, and vaccines are a way for liberals to control those who doubt their effectiveness. He’s not. And the reason? Because he thinks when he eats beans, he doesn’t flatulate and produce gas like the rest of us. Because he’s the president, he thinks his sh – doesn’t stink. But it does. You know what they say about old people farts, Sean.”
“What? You never smelled the flatulence of an old person, Sean?”
“Not that I can recall, governor.”
“Well I can, and I can tell you it’s the worst smell on earth. My old granny could fart like the wind, and God did it stink! It was the worst stink on God’s green earth! It was so powerful, it could peel wall paper, it could wilt flowers, and it could literally kill. Why, I remember one time she bottled a gasser and used it to kill -“
“Alright, governor,” Hannity said, looking even more uncomfortable. “Let’s move it along here. I think we’re running short on time.”
“Alright, Sean. I just wanted to say that Biden’s vaccine mandates make me as mad as my mother telling me I could be strong like Popeye if I ate spinache, so mad that I want to tell him what I think of his mandates. Are you ready, Sean?”
“Ready for what, governor?”
Huckabee tooted. It was a long-winded blast that resembled the tooting of a freight train whistle heard from a distance. Shaking his head, Hannity covered his face with a hand, but it was clear that he was more amused than embarrassed.
“That’s exactly what I think of Biden’s mandates,” Huckabee said. “Oops! I think a little something came out there, Sean.”
On last night’s edition of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the host informed his viewers that America’s “self-described moral leaders” were denouncing him for pointing out the obvious. The obvious being that the Democratic party had such a powerful hold on not just the country as a whole, but the entire electorate. Through this all-powerful hold, they were forcing demographic changes by allowing immigrants to waltz across the southern border by the hundreds of thousands – like rats deserting a sinking ship – hoping to gain new voters.
“Immediately after I said that, liberals everywhere melted down like the snowflakes they are,” he said. “They became completely hysterical. They cried. They pulled their hair out. They rolled around on the floor pounding their fists like fools. They appeared on their talk shows and called me mean names. They accused me of promoting white supremacist conspiracy theories, the “great replacement” something or other.”
Here he rolled his eyes for dramatic effect, and waved a hand, dismissing the silly, hysterical libs.
“They cried so hard and so loud,” he continued, “they actually succeeded in pulling me off the air. That’s right. After all the years I’ve been telling you on this show how Democrats are destroying our very way of life with everything from immigration, Antifa, and the cancel and the culture wars, the mob have finally succeeded in pulling me of the air, once and for all. How did they do it, you ask? Well, like I said, they screamed and pulled their hair out, and got on their talk shows and denounced yours truly as a big bad racist. They also came here to the Fox studios and burned it to the ground just as they burned down the cities of Portland, and Seattle, both of which, by the way, no longer exist. Today they’re just smoldering ruins.
“As of today, I have been informed by the producers of this show that I will no longer be the host. You heard that right. I’ve been cancelled. I am no longer the host of this show. I am told that I have been replaced by an immigrant – you know, one of those people who they falsely accused me of saying ‘make America dirtier and poorer.’
“Thanks liberals. You’ve finally succeeded in cancelling yours truly.”
After the program aired, liberals cheered at the prospect that Carlson would no longer be on the air. Both MSNBC and CNN did news segments addressing Carlson’s monologue. None of them looked as they had been crying hysterically. None of them looked as if they had been pulling their hair out, or had beaten their fists bloody on the floor in fits of rage. And it was highly doubtful that any of them had recently participated in deliberate acts of arson.
“Tucker Carlson hasn’t been cancelled,” an anonymous insider told the Journal. “Anyone who thinks Fox News will ever fire Tucker, is living in a freaking fantasy land full of rainbows and unicorns. Tucker’s their bread and butter. He makes more money for them and brings in more viewers than any of the other clowns at the network. He could easily draw more viewers than the Pope could ever hope for in a televised broadcast to the masses.
“No one cries hysterically, pulls their hair out, or rolls around on the ground pounding their fists at anything Tucker says,” the insider continued. “If they do, then they really are snowflakes. And they certainly wouldn’t burn down the studio where he does his “show.” Not even BLM would give the schmuck the attention he craves. Tucker is full of shit, but the problem is 99.09 % of the rubes who watch him, believe every word he says.
“When they find out that Tucker was playing them, they probably will cry hysterically, pull their hair out and roll around on the ground pounding their fists like fools, and Tucker will have the last laugh, because to him, that will be the sweetest shit ever – knowing that he triggered the libs – even sweeter than his own bullshit.”
Charlie Kirk has had the last laugh. For years, Turning Point USA’s founder and executive director, has been owning the libs in spectacular fashion, just as he did when he put on his first pair of Pampers to own the smug libs in 2017, who were crying for a safe space on the campus of Kent State University because they’re such crybabies.
Kirk, a young leader in the “America First” conservative movement, has been touring America’s college campuses with other leaders in the movement, like Dana Loesch, and Tomi Lahren, warning young conservatives of the dangers of the culture wars perpetuated by liberals who want to ban their free speech, just as they banned Mr. Potato Head, Dr. Seuss, Confederate statues, and then shove CRT and the 1619 Project up their rear ends.
In 2018, Kirk tweeted that when Obama was elected, they didn’t cry and burn stuff down, they waited patiently for eight years, acting absolutely civil toward the new president, showing him the utmost respect that liberals refused to show Trump.
This time, Kirk – always the truth-teller – reminds us that the summer protests over the unlawful killing of George Floyd, were really out of control riots by Black Lives Matter and Antifa, who just can’t help but resort to violence when they can’t get their way, as opposed to Trump supporters who descended on the D.C. Capitol for a picnic, or a tour, to calmly convince the Senate that they were wrong to certify the electoral votes for Biden, and should, instead, declare Trump the winner.
“It really had nothing to do with president Trump’s “stop the steal” rhetoric,” Charlie told the Weekly Journal News. “It was all Sleepy Joe’s fault, and George Soros, and Hugo Chavez, Antifa and maybe even Mickey Mouse. Who knows who else was in on it? Casper The Friendly Ghost? That’s not so unbelievable, you know, since it’s been proven that Hugo Chavez had a hand in it. Who else could have been involved? Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Alvin and the Chipmunks? Maybe even E.T. for all we know. We’ll never know because the snowflake liberal judges wouldn’t allow any evidence to be presented.”
“And those people who were carrying a gallows chanting to hang the vice president, and the people who were beating up on cops and breaking into the building and defecating? They weren’t Trump supporters. They were Antifa, and Black Lives Matter, or both – trying to make Trump and his supporters look bad. Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity reported on it. Trump would never condone anything like that, and neither would Trump supporters. But Black Lives Matter and Antifa would. They’re all terrorists. They run around rioting and looting and beating and defecating and burning down American cities every day. I’m surprised there are any cities left standing in America.”
Kirk stood up, yanked his pants down, revealing a pair of adult Pampers – his signature brand – with baby duckies on them, and released a large, rather disgusting expulsion of gas. He then grinned and said, “Checkmate, libtards!”
It should be noted that that when Trump failed to win the election of 2020, conservatives didn’t burn stuff down. But they did cry, and they violently destroyed property, assaulted people – killing several, just as they did during the BLM protests – and used certain parts of the Capitol as makeshift toilets.
On his recent Monday night show, Tucker Carlson urged his viewers to call authorities when they see people wearing masks outside, and to notify child protective services when they see children wearing masks, which is just as repulsive as a person farting in Wal-Mart.
“Only neurotic people wear masks in public,” he told the rubes. “And guess what, they’re always liberals. No conservative would be caught dead wearing a mask. Liberals would, because they’re liberals, they think masks actually protect you from germs. How neurotic are they? That’s how neurotic they are.
“Well, we know a Pew survey from last March found that 64% of white liberals have been diagnosed with a mental health condition ( no such survey exists ). You see them everywhere you walk down a street in a major city, you can’t get away from them, they’re like zombies from the Walking Dead, in this case imploring you to wear a mask, as opposed to wanting to eat your brain when president Obama was in the White House.
“These angry Biden voters will accost you at every turn, snorting at you in anger, telling you to wear a mask. How could you? They’re saying from behind the gauze.
How could you? That’s the question you should be asking them. How could you force me to wear a mask? Don’t you know masks don’t work?
“So, next time you see a liberal in a mask trying to hold you down and force a mask on you, don’t hesitate. Tell them politely but firmly, get off me pervert! I don’t want your mask! Masks are for liberals. I’m a conservative. We don’t believe in masks. And would you please take off your mask? There’s no science to prove it prevents germs from spreading. In fact, your mask is making me sick!
“You should do that,” he continued. “And you need to keep doing it until wearing a mask anywhere is as socially acceptable as passing wind around others in an elevator. It’s a repulsive, don’t do it around others because it stinks, and so does wearing a mask.
“As for forcing children to wear a mask outside, that should be a crime. Your response when you see children wearing masks, should be no different than someone passing wind next to you in Wal-Mart. It’s repulsive, it stinks, don’t do it around others, and you should call the police immediately. Contact child protective services and keep calling until someone arrives. If no one comes, if they think you’re the crazy one, well, it’s on them. It’ll be their fault if the child dies from having to wear a mask. It’s child abuse and you’re morally obligated to report it.”
Things got even stranger when he brought on Matt Walsh for his opinion. Carlson accused liberals of being freaks for wanting to destroy children by forcing them to wear masks, should be ashamed of themselves, and asked Walsh why ordinary people were not demanding answers.
“This just goes to show you the power the left has,” Walsh said. “They been able to convince everyone that there are fifty different shades of genders, that Antifa is just an idea, the moon is made of green eggs and ham and was actually created not by God, but by Dr. Seuss, that Dr. Seuss hasn’t been cancelled, that conservatives aren’t persecuted like the Christians in biblical times, and that masks actually work. They’re experts at convincing you that they know what’s best for you and you should believe everything they tell you because they’re the experts, don’t you dare contradict them, or they’ll cancel you and ban you from society.
“You know, this reminds me of a recent encounter I had in Austin a few days ago. I was walking outside without a mask on and people were staring at me like I’m the crazy one for not having a mask on. All I had on was a pair of diapers, and they’re looking at me like I’m nuts or something. It was my favorite pair of diapers. I wear them almost everywhere I go, to prove how silly liberals look when they wear masks. I started wearing them last year since the pandemic. In fact, I’m wearing them now. Let me show you.”
Walsh was about to stand up and unzip, but Carlson stopped him. “Pease put that thing away,” he said with a sheepish grin. “We don’t do that here.”
“As I was saying,” Walsh continued, “they’re my favorite pair. They were given to me by Charlie Kirk. In fact, everyone I know has a pair, Dana Loesch, Glenn Beck, Ted Nugent – and everyone at the Daily Wire has a pair. They have the TPUSA logo in gold sewn into the seam, are washable, can be worn more than a thousand times, and are comfortable to wear.
“So, as I was saying, they were looking at me like I was crazy. They were a young-looking couple, probably in their late twenties, so I said to them, ‘This is what you liberals look like wearing your masks,’ and the guy said to me, ‘Dude, we’re wearing masks, you’re wearing a diaper. There’s no comparison.’
“As they laughed, I shook my head and walked away thinking the silly liberals just didn’t get it. If you’re the one walking outside with a mask on, I should be looking at you like you’re the crazy one, like I would look at a grown man hugging a teddy bear, wearing a woman’s teddy, playing with a Barbie doll, sucking on a pacifier, and wearing a diaper – while walking down the street. You’re wearing a mask. That’s your security blanket, and that’s insane to me.”
Carlson nodded in agreement. Then shook his head.
“I agree with you completely. What’s this world coming to when a person can’t walk down a street wearing a diaper without being looked at like they’re some kind of kook? But can wear a mask and no one says anything!? What is that?”
“That’s right,” Carlson said. “It’s worse than someone passing wind next to you in Wal-Mart. It’s disgusting. It’s repulsive. It stinks. Cut it out. Please don’t don’t do that here, and if you do, we’ll call the police immediately.”
Conservatives often say liberals are the real snowflakes , who melt over the slightest politically correct offense. But on last Thursdays Ingraham Angle , Laura Ingraham , went into full melt down mode over CNN’s criticism of First Lady Melania Trump’s interview with Sean Hannity. According to anonymous witnesses at Fox News , some of their commentators are the most sensitive snowflakes in mainstream media.
In an earlier interview with Sean Hannity , Melania Trump criticized comedians , politicians , journalists , and Hollywood elites for using her family name to advance themselves.
“Let’s face it , Sean ,” she said. “No other first lady has been bullied more than me , and no other president has been hated more than my husband.”
CNN and other media commentators referred to the comments as a ‘meltdown’ by the first lady.
“You could tell Laura Ingraham was offended by CNN’s criticism of Melania Trump ,” an anonymous female witness told the Journal.
“I’ve never liked Laura. To me , she’s nothing more than an elitist snob , and most of the men , with the exception of Shepard Smith , and possibly Juan Williams , are nothing more than male chauvanist , elitist pricks , like Tucker Carlson , always whining about elitist liberal pricks. How’s that for irony?
“Like a lot of conservatives , because Laura’s conservative , she believes she’s superior to most people , especially liberals , which I believe is the reason for that smug attitude , like she believes it’s beneath her dignity to talk to anyone else , and I always felt the urge to punch her in the face. I’m not normally a confrontational person , but when pushed , I can be quite a handful. I once had a run in with Laura on the set. I won’t go into so many details , but it had to do with a disagreement we had about a certain subject.
” ‘You think you’re right , don’t you , huh girly?’ she said with that hateful smug look. ‘Right , huh , girly? Right? Right? What’s the matter , girly? Cat got your tongue?’
“She was obviously trying to egg me into some sort of confrontation , or a fight , but I wasn’t taking the bait.
” ‘You keep telling yourself that , Missy. Someday you’ll realize you were full of s**t ,’ she said before walking away.
“I never wanted to punch her in the face more than I did at that moment.
“Laura can’t stand it when people disagree with her. She always has to be right. To be a member of the Laura Ingraham fan club , you have to worship Trump and the Republican party , and defend them at every opportunity , and hate Obama , Democrats , and liberals , and bash them whenever convenient. And if you fail to do either one , she considered you her sworn enemy.
“Speaking to her co host , Howard Kurtz , Laura said , ‘I have to agree with her , Howard. No other first lady , I believe , has endured so much hatred as Melania Trump. Not even Michelle Obama. I mean , it’s appalling to me that the mainstream liberal media won’t admit it. Fox News is the only one pointing this stuff out.’
“You keep telling yourself that , you smug a** b***h ,” I thought to myself.
“Kurtz agreed. ‘Because she’s a first lady , who for the first time in eight years , who looks like a woman , they mock her accent , her clothes , her feet , her hair and the fact that she used to be a nude model. Despite that , she’s impeccable , flawless. She’s never once said she wasn’t proud of her country , that white folks were the real problem , or that slaves built the White House. Nothing is off limits to them. They hate her no matter what she says or does.’
“Not much of a difference from the way Moochelle was treated by conservatives , huh , Howie?
“Kurtz could on occasion be a smug a** b***h himself , but he wasn’t as infuriating as Ingraham was , and I never felt the urge to punch him in the face. But this time , the urge was overwhelming. He had just referred to Michelle Obama as a man , and that infuriated me. To me , Michelle Obama was more of a woman than Melania Trump could ever be. She had never melted down over the slightest criticism , and never disgraced herself or her position as first lady by posing nude in men’s magazines.
” ‘In contrast , Michelle Obama could do nothing right ,’ Ingraham said.
“Again I wanted to punch the smugness from her face.
” ‘She not only hated her country , had a problem with white people , and the White House , but she also looked masculine , and she often wore men’s clothing.’
“You lying , punk , smug a*** b***h , ” I thought.
” ‘Some people even said she was a man. I mean , everything about her was just the exact opposite of Melania Trump. Her hands and feet looked like they belonged on somebody like Shaquille O’Neal , or Bigfoot. Am I being too unkind? I’m told I’m being rude. Even her butt was too big. OK , let’s leave it at that.’
“Laura’s demeanor suddenly changed. In a matter of a few seconds her attitude went from insufferable smugness , to a mixture of anger and melancholy , but mostly sadness. She looked like she was about to start bawling at any moment. It happened so suddenly I wasn’t sure if it was real or if she was faking it.
” ‘Which is nothing compared to the way Melania is treated by the liberal media ,’ she cried , tears now starting to run down her face , causing her masscara to smear and run as well.
Her voice became more nasal than usual , and she punctuated the end of each sentence with a loud , wet , disgusting sniff , which was even more annoying , as if she were trying to suck the snot back in before it could start dribbling uncontrollably out her nostrils.
” ‘She doesn’t look masculine!’ Sniff! ‘She doesn’t wear men’s clothing!’ Sniff! ‘Her hands and feet aren’t too big!’ Sniff! ‘They don’t look like they belong on Shaquille O’Neal!’ Sniff! ‘Or Bigfoot!’ Sniff! ‘And her butt isn’t too big. ‘ Sniff! ‘But still , Howie , they won’t leave her alone. Why , oh why , Howie , won’t they leave her alone?!’
“She waited for Howie to answer , but when he failed to do so she gave the loudest , most disgusting sniff and started bawling uncontrollably.
“I knew she wasn’t faking it the moment I saw Howie’s reaction. Howie sat there staring at her , not sure how to respond , apparently shaken by her outburst.
“She repeated the question , word for word , the exact way she nearly screamed it at Howie , only this time punctuating each word by pounding on her desk with both fists. The desk shook violently with each blow. When the first blow landed , Howie looked so startled that he jumped almost a foot off his seat. Everyone in the place was staring at her. No one had ever seen her behave this way before. Which wasn’t just unexpected , it was also funny. Hilariously funny.
“She continued to blubber uncontrollably , swaying ever so slightly in her seat , as everyone , including Howie , the camera men , and myself stared at her. She seemed oblivious to everything except her blubbering , which was embarrassing to watch. I always knew Laura was a bit of a snowflake at heart , but this was beyond embarrassing. It was ridiculous.
“Howard finally spoke. ‘Laura , you alright?’
“Laura didn’t answer. She continued to blubber , swaying in her seat , as if she were in a trance or something. Her shoulders heaved with her sobs. Her face was streaked comically with mascarra and tears , and snot bubbled from her nostrils. It was no use trying to suck it back in now.
“She was behaving far worse than my three year old daughter when she didn’t get her way. My daughter could be excused. There was no excuse for Laura behaving this way.
” ‘It’s not fair , Howie ,’ she mumbled. ‘Why won’t they leave her alone?’ She was starting to calm down a bit. ‘Somebody get me a tissue.’
“Nobody wanted to get her a tissue. Howard shoved a box of tissues at her. ‘Laura , snap out of it , ‘ he said. ‘You’re making a fool of yourself.’
“Laura acted as if she hadn’t heard him. She snatched a tissue from the dispenser. She attempted to wipe her nose , but her hand was shaking so badly that she smeared snot all over her face. For a moment she stared at the tissue , then she burst out bawling again.
“From that moment onward , things went from bad to worse for Laura Ingraham , and I can’t say that I felt sorry for her.
“She cried so hard and long after failing to wipe her nose , that she finally fell out of her seat. I knew it was coming. It was inevitable. After all that blubbering , she was bound to hit the floor , and hit it she did , with a solid thump that was so loud that everyone rushed to her side to see if she had injured herself. I thought she might have hit her head on the floor when she fell.
” ‘Laura , are you hurt?’ Howard said. But Laura continued to babble ‘It’s so unfair ,’ over and over again.
“Jesus Christ , ” I said , shaking my head.
” ‘Jesus Christ , ‘ Howard said.
” ‘Jesus Christ ,’ the two camera operators said in unison.
” ‘What the f**k is her problem?’ One of them asked.
“Laura had suffered a breakdown apparently due to her reaction to media criticism of Melania Trump , whom Laura believes is perfect and can do no wrong. Of course , this is just speculation on my part. Other factors may be involved. But that’s what I believe happened. After more than two years of pent up anger , she had finally snapped , and to make matters worse , she had done it during prime time on live TV , making a complete fool of herself. But if I know Laura , she’ll try to spin the situation to her advantage.
“Will the producers cancel her show , or fire her for making a spectacle of herself and the network? One can only hope so. Or , as with Jeanine Pirro , will they be spineless cowards and allow her to continue embarrassing them?
“Whatever happens , Laura Ingraham is an evil b***h , who deserves to be fired.”
“Welcome to the show ladies and gentlemen. I’m Alex Jones , your host for the number one show in Texas , America , and around the world. I bring you the truth , and nothing but the truth , the truth that the main stream communist liberal news media won’t bring you because it’s controlled by George Soros , the biggest communist liberal in the world.
“I have three kooks on today’s show. One’s been here once or twice before. She’s even more of a kook than the other two. She’s also crackpot , a wacko , and a fruitcake. She’s written several wacked out books about Barack Obama , including Obama And His Evil Twin Julio Want To Sacrifice Your Kids With Planned Parenthood , and Obama And His Evil Twin Julio The Mole Want To Kill My Granny With Obama Care. Like I said , she’s a real kook , crackpot , a wacko , and a fruitcake.
“My other two guests are Ann-Marie Murrell , and Morgan Brittany. I’m not sure if they’ve been here before or not , but they’ve also written some wacked out books about Obama , because besides being known as kooks , they’re also crackpots , wackos , and fruitcakes. Those books include , The Truth About B. O. And All Kinds Of Other Stuff , and I Was Attacked By B.O. Zombies That Tried To Eat My Brain , the latter which the three of them wrote together. And in case you’re wondering , ladies and gentlemen , those are not the titles of books about zombies with Body odor. Their latest book is , To Serve Obama Again , A Sequel : Obama Still Wants To Eat Your Kids! , has got to be the kookiest one yet. But I’m sure their next book will be even more kooky.
“Welcome to the show , ladies.”
Ann-Marie : “Thanks for inviting us , Alex.”
Morgan : “I’m pretty sure we haven’t been here before.”
Alex : “Whatever.”
Victoria : “Did you invite us here just to make fun us , Alex?”
Alex : “You said it , not me. Let’s talk about the new book. Why would -“
Victoria : “Did you read it?”
Alex : “Why would I want to do that?”
Victoria : “Oh , I don’t know , maybe to know what it’s about.”
Alex : “I don’t have to read it to know it’s a piece of – I mean something only a kook would write – in this case , three kooks – and something only a kook – or in this case , plural , kooks , your fans – would be interested in reading. The title itself tells me it’s got to be the kookiest book ever written. Why would -“
Victoria : “Gee , thanks for the great review , Alex.”
Alex : “You’re welcome. Now why would -“
Victoria : So , you still don’t believe his mole is the anti-Christ?”
Alex : “Of course not , it’s insane.”
Morgan : “You don’t believe Obama zombies tried to eat our brains?”
Alex : “How can they eat something that isn’t there to begin with?”
Victoria : “You don’t believe he still wants to kill my granny with Obama Care?”
Alex : “Obama Care doesn’t exist anymore!”
Victoria : “You don’t believe Julio helped him steal the elections , and that I cried and I cried when it happened?”
Ann-Marie : “Yeah , and all kinds of other stuff!”
Morgan : Yeah , like Mickey Mouse , Donald Duck , ACORN , the homeless , illegal immigrants , and the walking dead?”
Alex : “ACORN , the homeless , illegal immigrants , and the walking dead may have been involved , but to claim Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck were involved , only a genuinely crazy person would believe that.”
Victoria : “You don’t believe he’s still taking too many vacations?”
Alex : “What does any of this have to do with -“
Morgan : “Or that he’s still playing too much golf?”
Alex : “Why should I care about his vacations or golfing , he’s -“
Ann-Marie : “And you don’t believe he still wants to steal everyone’s guns?”
Victoria : “Or that he shredded a copy of the constitution and used the shavings as a salad topping?”
Alex : “What does any of this have to do with -“
Victoria : “You don’t believe he went to Mars to train for his tyrannical dictatorship of America , or that he’s a cross dressing lizard queen from planet Zork?”
Morgan : “And tried to infect us all with Ebola?”
Alex : “Alright , hold on. Just hold on! What does any of this have to do with the book?”
Victoria : “It has everything to do with it , Alex. If you don’t believe any of these facts , then you don’t believe he still wants to eat your kids.”
Since the election of Donald Trump , liberals have gotten even crazier than they’ve ever been , and it’s all Barack Obama’s fault , because he was jealous that Hillary Clinton lost , even though he rigged it with the help of ACORN , Mickey Mouse , Donald Duck , the homeless , illegal aliens , and the walking dead , yes , the real walking dead , just as he rigged the last two elections with the same characters.
1) Liberals believe Trump will play more golf than Obama did. The truth is , all Obama did was play golf while the world went to hell.
2) Liberals believe Trump will sign more executive orders. The truth is , all Obama did was sign executive orders while the world went to hell. When he wasn’t signing executive orders , he was playing golf , and when he wasn’t playing golf , he was signing executive orders.
3) Liberals believe Trump is a racist because he wanted to build a wall to keep out those murderous , drug dealing illegal immigrants. But it’s really liberals who are racist because they want them to come here and collect welfare , food stamps , and do jobs “no American would want to do.”
4) Liberals believe Trump hates Muslims because his immigration ban will prevent them from coming here and murdering us in our sleep.
5) Liberals believe ACORN doesn’t exist anymore. But the truth is , ACORN is still trying to rig the voting system for Democrats. They tried it in 2016 , and will most likely try it again in 2020.
6) Liberals don’t believe Obama spied on Trump. The truth is , Obama trained his dogs , Sonny and Bo to infiltrate Trump Towers to tap the phones. Those dogs are clever. They are also communists like Obama.
7) Liberals don’t believe Obama is on a permanent vacation. The truth is , ever since Obama entered the White House in 2009 , he has been on a permanent vacation. According to an unknown source , he was even planning to write a book called My Endless vacation In The White House.
8) Liberals are so delusional , they believe evolution and global warming are real. Even though there is no evidence for either , but refuse to believe in God even though there is a mountain of evidence.
9) Liberals believe Obama is no longer playing golf. Even though he had banned all golf courses by executive order , for his personal use.
10) Liberals believe Conservatives hated Obama because he is black. Which proves they are the racists. Conservatives don’t like Obama because he was really born in Kenya.
And there you have it , ten reasons why liberals are still loons.
It’s no secret that I hate liberals. I absolutely loath liberals. They are the epitome of evil in the world , and America. They are hateful , sexist , racist , and bigoted toward Conservatives , Christians , women , minorities , and gun owners , and they have proven time and time again how much they despise anyone who doesn’t agree with them one hundred percent.
And with that , here are ten more reasons why I hate liberals , and wouldn’t trust one to change my depends.
1) They hate God. The myth of the liberal Christian. There is no such thing as a liberal Christian. Liberals don’t believe in God. Liberals are communists and fascists by nature. It’s in their genes. Studies have proved it.
2) They voted for Obama. Liberals would have never forgiven themselves if they had not voted for Obama , because for them he could do no wrong. When liberals voted for Obama , they proved how racist they are.
3) Liberals will kill you if you disagree with them. Let’s face it. All liberals are homicidal maniacs. Not only would they kill you for disagreeing with them , but they are more likely to kill you for the most mundane reasons. For instance , if you looked at a liberal the wrong way , they are more inclined to murder you. It’s a fact. It’s in their nature. It’s in their genes. Studies have proved it.
4) They twerk homo erotically. The grand master , Obama taught them well. Most people believe it was a craze started by Miley Cyrus. But it was actually invented by Barack Obama. Crowds of Obama supporters can often be seen twerking in the streets and malls across America. It’s disgusting.
5) They worship Obama. They worship Obama as their lord and savior like Christians worship Jesus Christ. Just another sign that liberals are delusional.
6) Liberals hate guns. Another liberal myth is the liberal gun owner. Liberals wouldn’t pick up a gun to protect themselves if their homes were being invaded by radical Islamists. When it comes to guns , liberals are wimps and pussies.
7) Liberals are idiots. Don’t believe me? Try talking to one. Their brains are permanently on vacation like Obama.
8) They hate America. It’s really no secret that liberals hate America. Again , don’t believe me? Try telling a liberal how great America is. Immediately their minds will space out ( more than usual ) , and they will either start picking their noses , their crotches , or cry out to Obama to save them from the evil Conservative who is attempting to dictate facts to them. My guess is cry out to Obama.
9) Liberals use atheism to brainwash others. All liberals are atheists. Liberals worship evil and the devil like Christians worship God and Jesus Christ , and they encourage others to do the same. It’s a fact. It’s in their nature. Studies have proved it.
10) Liberals want everyone to eat vegetables. All liberals want everyone else to eat healthy , or so they say. It’s really just a scam. Their real intention is to get Americans to eat as many veggies as they can , so they will get sick of them , and then gorge out on junk food and get as fat as they can so Obama can eat them. It’s been their plan all along. Don’t believe me? Ask Victoria Jackson.
And there you have it. Ten more reasons why I hate liberals and wouldn’t trust one if my life depended on it.
Alex Jones is a Conservative radio host and conspiracy theory , tin foil hat wearing wing nut wacko. Whether he actually believes the nonsense he peddles , or if it’s just an act , no one knows but Jones himself. Millions tune in weekly to listen to him rant about the New World Order , the Illuminati , Barack Obama , or any theory he happens to make up. They also buy loads of crap he sells on his two websites , Info Wars , and Prison Planet , proving that suckers will buy anything , no matter how dubious it may be.
He’s been among the leading wing nuts to claim that the moon landings were faked , that 9/11 was an inside job , and that Sandy Hook was a false flag to grab guns by the government , and lock up patriotic Americans in Fema camps , though not a single gun was ever grabbed.
He has also produced a ton of laughable documentaries and books exposing the evils of Barack Obama , George Bush , NASA , and other nonsense that his followers adore him for.
His previous book , I Was A Chalupacabrabama For The CIA was a best seller among the conspiracy theory , Obama-paranoia crowd. Recently Jones came up with a new theory that he wrote about in a new book which is also about Barack Obama.
He has made appearances on Coast ToCoast , Piers Morgan , and the BBC’s Sunday Politics. Recently he agreed to an interview with Megan Kelly on The Kelly File about his latest theory.
Megan : “Welcome , Alex. I don’t believe you’ve ever been on the show before.”
Alex : “No , Megan , this is the first time , and I’m thrilled to be here.”
Megan : “Your new book is titled Barack The Obamanable Snow Man. I read the first two chapters – it isn’t very long , only four chapters – but in the book you claim the president is , or was involved with some kind of weird experimentation with the CIA.”
Alex : “That’s right.”
Megan : “For those who haven’t read the book , explain what it’s about.”
Alex : “It’s about Barack Obama , his connection to the CIA , and how he became the Obamanable Snow Man.”
Megan : “The Obamanable Snow Man? What does that mean? Are you saying that he’s actually a Yeti?”
Alex : “That’s right. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Megan : “But , according to your last book – which I also read , all of it by the way – he’s already a Chalupacabrabama. I have to say , this sounds just as nuts as some of Victoria Jackson’s claims.”
Alex : “Listen , Megan. Don’t ever compare my books to Victoria Jackson’s books. Victoria Jackson is worse than David Icke. That chick is wacked. Certifiably insane. A total nut job. A lunatic. She belongs in the nut house in a padded room wearing a straight jacket with David Icke. And anyone who believes Obama’s mole is the Anti-Christ and its name is Julio , also belongs in the nut house in a padded room wearing a straight jacket with Victoria Jackson , and David Icke. When she called Obama a communist – which he is – she was believable. But now that she has made up every idiotic theory she can think of , she’s just become so laughable it’s pathetic. It’s nothing more than a pathetic attempt to sell sensationalist garbage to idiots. I’m surprised the National Enquirer or one of those other cheap rags , hasn’t asked her to write for them. Please don’t ever compare my books to hers. My books are not only believable , but well-researched , and totally factual.”
Megan : “Whatever you say , Alex. But how can president Obama be both a Chalupa … whatever , and a Yeti? And why would the CIA want to turn him into one in the first place?”
Alex : “Because they know that their army of Chalupacabrabama’s would be easier to control if Obama were a beast like them , so they made him into a Yeti. I know what you’re thinking , he’s already a Chalupacabrabama , so why bother? Well , Megan. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s possible for him to be both. We’re talking about the CIA here , and the current president of the United States. Two of the most powerful entities in the world. You see , When Barack Obama – otherwise known as Barry Soetero – was twenty , or thereabouts , he was involved in a Darpa teleportation program known as Project Pegasus. He teleported to Mars as part of his training program to prepare him for his American dictatorship. And now he’s the president of the United States , and we have no freedom. No freedom of speech , and no freedom of the press. No one can criticize the government , or gays , or atheists without the liberal PC thought police cracking down on them. Christians are being persecuted at an alarming rate. They’re telling kids they can’t pray in schools ; they can’t mention the name of Jesus or God in public without being told to shut up , or being threatened with jail. Everyone is being forced into slavery with Obama Care , and same-sex marriage. Obama’s taking our guns away from us. ISIS and other terrorist organizations supported by the CIA have camps and training facilities all over the United States. Everything’s going to hell in a hand basket , Megan , and Obama and liberals are to blame. It’s time for all patriots to rise up and take back this nation!”
Megan : “Everything you just said , makes absolutely no sense.”
Alex : “Well I -“
Megan : “Hold on. And it has nothing to do with my last question. How can president Obama be both a Chalupa whatsit and a Yeti?”
Alex : It has everything to do with what I said , Megan. The CIA made him – Barack Obama – what he is today , a Chalupacabrabama with an appetite for chalupas – even Michelle Obama and their two kids have a huge appetite for chalupas , they’re always at Taco Bell scarfing down tons of chalupas , because Obama does , it’s in his blood if you know what I mean – and a Yeti , by injecting Obama Sr. with Chupacabra blood , and then him – Obama Jr. – with the blood of a Yeti. Understand now?”
Megan : “No. It still doesn’t make sense.”
Alex : “Maybe it would if you would clean out your ears. You know , get a cotton swab or something and dig around in there real good. You might come up with something. They’re probably so full of wax , you’re having trouble understanding what I’m saying.”
Megan : “My hearing is just fine , thank you. And I’m understanding you just fine. You’re just not making any sense. The last thing you said bears no connection to your rant about the liberal PC thought police.”
Alex : “The part about the ear wax?”
Megan : “No. What you said about the CIA turning the two Obama’s into a Chalupa whatsit and a Yeti.”
Alex : “Of course it does. You see , because Barack Obama is a both Chalupacabrabama and the Obamanable Snow Man , thanks to his buddies in the CIA , it won’t be long until he locks up every gun loving American patriot in Fema camps all across America , lops off their heads with the millions of guillotines they’ve got stored on trains and in warehouses , and then his army of Chalupacabrabama’s – when they’re not munching on chalupas – will feast on their brains and corpses. And it’s all because of Barack The Obamanable Snow Man.”