Mark Levin Never Shuts The Hell Up: All He Does Is Scream In His Annoying Nasal Voice

FeaturedMark Levin Never Shuts The Hell Up: All He Does Is Scream In His Annoying Nasal Voice

Everybody loves Mark Levin – right?

Not really. Not everyone can stand the a**hole. Never shuts the hell up. All he does is scream like a banshee in that annoying, whiny, nasal voice. The rubes who listen to him – all twenty-four – think he’s a philosopher, a Constitutionalist – the Great One Sean Hannity once called him – but he’s really nothing more than an angry little troll who was likely repeatedly bullied in school.

The other day he’s on his radio show whining about Dr. Fauci, who is – “coincidentally” – Public Enemy #01 among conservatives, and who according to the popular narrative of the Fauci haters, personally created the coronavirus in a Wuhan lab as a bioweapon and deliberately released it to kill hundreds of millions of people world-wide, and then was too stupid to cover his tracks.

“He never shuts that big mouth of his!” Levin screamed in his familiar nasal tone. “He’s always going on and on and on about wearing masks, how great they are, and how they keep everyone from getting COVID.

“What!? That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard! Masks don’t prevent anyone from getting COVID. If masks do anything, they give you COVID.  I don’t care if he’s a doctor, Mr. Producer, a viriologist or whatever he calls himself. He’s a fraud! He doesn’t know anything about viruses. He’s a liar. He proved it when he said ‘don’t wear a mask, you idiots, they don’t work!‘ Then he said, ‘Wear a mask, you idiots, they do work!’ He’s got the attention span of a two year old! He has no idea what he’s talking about!

“So, it’s like this guy Fauci, the other day he’s on 60 Minutes, he trashes the president. ‘You know that was a super-spreader there and I really cringed when the president was there!’

“Is that right? Well, how dare he criticize president Trump?! And why can’t I be on 60 Minutes?! It’s not like I don’t know anything, unlike this Fauci guy! It’s not like I’m an idiot, unlike this Fauci guy!

“So, The Washington Examiner asked Fauci,”If the Women’s March” – these left-wing kooks who believe in equal rights – “in D.C. was a possible super-spreader event, would you support it?”

“And you know what he said, Mr. Producer? He said, “Only if they were either wearing masks, vaccinated, or both. Well, of course he would say that, because he’s an idiot!

“More than happy to trash the president on 60 Minutes saying something stupid and failing to condemn those left-wing kooks who want to steal men’s rights!

“If that were me on 60 Minutes, you know what I would have told them, Mr. Producer? I would have told them that president Trump was like the baby brother Jesus never had. He did everything he could to stop the spread of COVID – unlike that Fauci guy!”

Source: Media Matters.

The Real Fart Gate: Mike Huckabee Flatulates During Interview With Sean Hannity

FeaturedThe Real Fart Gate: Mike Huckabee Flatulates During Interview With Sean Hannity

Before coronavirus was a thing, there was Fart Gate.

In the fall of 2019, during an interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC, Congressman Eric Swalwell appeared to rip one. The embarrassing event – which was nothing more than the scrape of a mug across a table – was nonetheless so big, it trended on Twitter and all over social media.

It was so big, it out-trended some of the biggest scandals of past administrations.

It was bigger than Water Gate.

It was bigger than Russia Gate.

It was bigger than Obama Gate.

Believe it or not, it was even bigger than COVID Gate, that thing that Republicans insisted that former president Trump handled with admiration and great leadership – unlike Obama who allowed the plague of Ebola to run rampant across America, killing all of two people.

The only difference is, Fart Gate claimed no victims. Unless you include the hundreds or thousands who figuratively died laughing.

In a recent appearance last week on Hannity on the Fox News channel, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee passed explosive wind while bitching about president Biden’s vaccine mandate for businesses with at least one hundred employees to be vaccinated, or submit to weekly testing.

“Here’s the thing, Sean,” Huckabee said. “When my mother wanted me to eat spinach, she didn’t tell me that it was good for me, or that it had vitamin E, or any of that good stuff. She told me that if I ate my spinach, I would look like Popeye and be as strong as he was. Well, I hated spinach. But I really wanted to look like Popeye, and I wanted to talk like him too. So, I ate my spinach, and even though I gagged and barfed every time, I managed to keep it down. But, you know what, Sean? No matter how much spinach I ate, I just couldn’t look like Popeye, or talk like him. I ate and ate and ate, and gagged and threw up and gagged and barfed, and no matter how much I ate, I knew I was never going to be as strong as Popeye!

“Well, you know what, Sean? That made me mad. It made me mad that my mother lied to me when she told me spinach would make me strong like Popeye. The only thing eating spinach did for me, was make a wimp out of me. I got beat up by a girl when I wore my Popeye costume for Halloween when I was ten. God, that was so humiliating. I’ve never lived that down to this day, Sean.

“And you what else makes me mad, Sean? Biden’s vaccine mandates. He needs to tell us the benefits of the vaccines rather than scaring the sh – daylights out of us when he says ‘follow the science.’ He’s not following the science, Sean. If he was, he would admit that the science says wearing a mask doesn’t do anything to prevent the spread of COVID, and vaccines are a way for liberals to control those who doubt their effectiveness. He’s not. And the reason? Because he thinks when he eats beans, he doesn’t flatulate and produce gas like the rest of us. Because he’s the president, he thinks his sh – doesn’t stink. But it does. You know what they say about old people farts, Sean.”

“No, I’m afraid I don’t know, governor,” Hannity said, looking uncomfortable.

“What? You never smelled the flatulence of an old person, Sean?”

“Not that I can recall, governor.”

“Well I can, and I can tell you it’s the worst smell on earth. My old granny could fart like the wind, and God did it stink! It was the worst stink on God’s green earth! It was so powerful, it could peel wall paper, it could wilt flowers, and it could literally kill. Why, I remember one time she bottled a gasser and used it to kill -“

“Alright, governor,” Hannity said, looking even more uncomfortable. “Let’s move it along here. I think we’re running short on time.”

“Alright, Sean. I just wanted to say that Biden’s vaccine mandates make me as mad as my mother telling me I could be strong like Popeye if I ate spinache, so mad that I want to tell him what I think of his mandates. Are you ready, Sean?”

“Ready for what, governor?”

“This.”

Huckabee tooted. It was a long-winded blast that resembled the tooting of a freight train whistle heard from a distance. Shaking his head, Hannity covered his face with a hand, but it was clear that he was more amused than embarrassed.

“That’s exactly what I think of Biden’s mandates,” Huckabee said. “Oops! I think a little something came out there, Sean.”

Hannity burst out laughing.

Featured

Mark Levin Really Loves His Teddy Bear Pillow

The Great One, with his My Teddy Bear Pillow.

On a recent broadcast of his radio show, the Great One told his audience of seven: “This is an American company,” Levin said in the nasally voice that his listeners never seem to get tired of hearing.

“It is founded by and run by an American patriot. His name is Mike Lindell. People think he’s either a drunk, a lunatic or a patriot. I happen to fall into the category that think he’s a patriot. He’s a patriot because he supports Trump. People are trying to take him out because they don’t like his products. Did you know that, Mr. Producer?”

Mr. Producer: “No, I didn’t. Huh, how about that?”

“That’s right, Mr. Producer. It has nothing to do with any of this election stuff and that totally made-up riot at the Capitol. And you know what? It’s not going to work. I’ll tell you that right now. His products are great. He has every right to give his opinion, and I don’t care if anyone doesn’t believe a word he says.

“I don’t care if people believe he’s a liar or a lunatic! I don’t care if he can’t prove a word he says! It’s his opinion. He should be allowed to state his opinion. Shouldn’t he, Mr. Producer?”

Mr. Producer: “Check.”

“And you know what? He’s right. His word should be enough! And we should support him by buying his products.

“I think his six piece towel set is great, by the way. You know what they say? They say Trumpy Bear Won, Not Sleepy-Joe in red, white and blue lettering. They’re billed as patriot towels. How’s that for true American Patriotism? They’re the best towels I ever owned. They get me cleaner and dryer than any towel I ever used. Not like those wimpy towels made by those other guys. I wouldn’t wipe my bottom with those. They remind me of that trash bag commercial making fun of the weaker bags. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

“My wife loves My Slippers. What’s that, Mr. Producer?”

Mr. Producer: “She loves your slippers?”

“I don’t have a pair of slippers,” Levin said. “My wife has My Slippers.”

Mr. Producer: “Are you trying to tell me your wife stole your slippers and won’t give them back?”

“No, Mr. Producer, you misunderstand. My wife has a pair of My Slippers, another great product produced by My Pillow, which also have the words Trumpy Bear Won, Not Sleepy-Joe in red, white and blue bold lettering. But, you what I like best?”

Mr. Producer: “What’s that?”

My Teddy Bear Pillow, because whenever I’m upset about something, I get to cry myself to sleep, like I did the night Trump lost the election, and it works every time.”

Ron DeSantis Says Politics Have Masks Around Them, And Onions Too

FeaturedRon DeSantis Says Politics Have Masks Around Them, And Onions Too

As the coronavirus refuses to go away due to the stubbornness and stupidity of Republicans, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis appeared on Tucker Carlson Tonight to complained that Democrats have politicized masks for no reason.

The governor’s ratings approval have dropped faster than Floridians are filling up hospitals due to his executive orders banning mask mandates, which have been successfully blocked so far by a Tallahassee court.

“For the life of me, Tucker, I can’t figure out why politics have masks around it,” the governor complained to the host. “We’re currently in a pandemic that won’t go away because Democrats want everyone to wear masks all the time. It’s insane. We all know that masks are ineffective against the virus, because last year Dr. Fauci said that masks don’t work. He lied. First he said they work, and then he said they don’t work. I mean, who are we suppose to trust if they won’t tell us the truth?”

“Well, certainly not Dr. Fauci,” Carlson said. “He lied not only about masks, he lied about the vaccines too. We know for a fact that the vaccines have killed far more than COVID has.”

“We also have onions involved,” DeSantis said. “The same onions that wanted schools closed last year. Remember, we were in court last year at this time because they wanted to sue me to keep the schools closed. We were getting kids back into school because we understood – unlike those clueless libs – how important it was for parents and kids to be learning and all this stuff, instead of playing video games all day, which are also getting people killed.”

Tucker stared at him with that face that progressive commentators have made fun of countless times. “I think you mean, unions, governor.”

“No, I mean those sour pusses, those teachers that form those things that… you know, those what do ya call ’em, those clubs that fight for workers, those thing-a-ma-jigs…?”

“Unions,” Carlson said.

“Whatever.”

Sources: Rawstory.

Liberals Cry Hysterically And Pull Their Hair Out Demanding Tucker Carlson Be Fired

FeaturedLiberals Cry Hysterically And Pull Their Hair Out Demanding Tucker Carlson Be Fired

On last night’s edition of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the host informed his viewers that America’s “self-described moral leaders” were denouncing him for pointing out the obvious. The obvious being that the Democratic party had such a powerful hold on not just the country as a whole, but the entire electorate. Through this all-powerful hold, they were forcing demographic changes by allowing immigrants to waltz across the southern border by the hundreds of thousands – like rats deserting a sinking ship – hoping to gain new voters.

“Immediately after I said that, liberals everywhere melted down like the snowflakes they are,” he said. “They became completely hysterical. They cried. They pulled their hair out. They rolled around on the floor pounding their fists like fools. They appeared on their talk shows and called me mean names. They accused me of promoting white supremacist conspiracy theories, the “great replacement” something or other.”

Here he rolled his eyes for dramatic effect, and waved a hand, dismissing the silly, hysterical libs.

“They cried so hard and so loud,” he continued, “they actually succeeded in pulling me off the air. That’s right. After all the years I’ve been telling you on this show how Democrats are destroying our very way of life with everything from immigration, Antifa, and the cancel and the culture wars, the mob have finally succeeded in pulling me of the air, once and for all. How did they do it, you ask? Well, like I said, they screamed and pulled their hair out, and got on their talk shows and denounced yours truly as a big bad racist. They also came here to the Fox studios and burned it to the ground just as they burned down the cities of Portland, and Seattle, both of which, by the way, no longer exist. Today they’re just smoldering ruins.

“As of today, I have been informed by the producers of this show that I will no longer be the host. You heard that right. I’ve been cancelled. I am no longer the host of this show. I am told that I have been replaced by an immigrant – you know, one of those people who they falsely accused me of saying ‘make America dirtier and poorer.’

“Thanks liberals. You’ve finally succeeded in cancelling yours truly.”

After the program aired, liberals cheered at the prospect that Carlson would no longer be on the air. Both MSNBC and CNN did news segments addressing Carlson’s monologue. None of them looked as they had been crying hysterically. None of them looked as if they had been pulling their hair out, or had beaten their fists bloody on the floor in fits of rage. And it was highly doubtful that any of them had recently participated in deliberate acts of arson.

“Tucker Carlson hasn’t been cancelled,” an anonymous insider told the Journal. “Anyone who thinks Fox News will ever fire Tucker, is living in a freaking fantasy land full of rainbows and unicorns. Tucker’s their bread and butter. He makes more money for them and brings in more viewers than any of the other clowns at the network. He could easily draw more viewers than the Pope could ever hope for in a televised broadcast to the masses.

“No one cries hysterically, pulls their hair out, or rolls around on the ground pounding their fists at anything Tucker says,” the insider continued. “If they do, then they really are snowflakes. And they certainly wouldn’t burn down the studio where he does his “show.” Not even BLM would give the schmuck the attention he craves. Tucker is full of shit, but the problem is 99.09 % of the rubes who watch him, believe every word he says.

“When they find out that Tucker was playing them, they probably will cry hysterically, pull their hair out and roll around on the ground pounding their fists like fools, and Tucker will have the last laugh, because to him, that will be the sweetest shit ever – knowing that he triggered the libs – even sweeter than his own bullshit.”

Charlie Kirk Owns The Libs Once Again

FeaturedCharlie Kirk Owns The Libs Once Again

Charlie Kirk has had the last laugh. For years, Turning Point USA’s founder and executive director, has been owning the libs in spectacular fashion, just as he did when he put on his first pair of Pampers to own the smug libs in 2017, who were crying for a safe space on the campus of Kent State University because they’re such crybabies.

Kirk, a young leader in the “America First” conservative movement, has been touring America’s college campuses with other leaders in the movement, like Dana Loesch, and Tomi Lahren, warning young conservatives of the dangers of the culture wars perpetuated by liberals who want to ban their free speech, just as they banned Mr. Potato Head, Dr. Seuss, Confederate statues, and then shove CRT and the 1619 Project up their rear ends.

In 2018, Kirk tweeted that when Obama was elected, they didn’t cry and burn stuff down, they waited patiently for eight years, acting absolutely civil toward the new president, showing him the utmost respect that liberals refused to show Trump.

This time, Kirk – always the truth-teller – reminds us that the summer protests over the unlawful killing of George Floyd, were really out of control riots by Black Lives Matter and Antifa, who just can’t help but resort to violence when they can’t get their way, as opposed to Trump supporters who descended on the D.C. Capitol for a picnic, or a tour, to calmly convince the Senate that they were wrong to certify the electoral votes for Biden, and should, instead, declare Trump the winner.

“It really had nothing to do with president Trump’s “stop the steal” rhetoric,” Charlie told the Weekly Journal News. “It was all Sleepy Joe’s fault, and George Soros, and Hugo Chavez, Antifa and maybe even Mickey Mouse. Who knows who else was in on it? Casper The Friendly Ghost? That’s not so unbelievable, you know, since it’s been proven that Hugo Chavez had a hand in it. Who else could have been involved? Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Alvin and the Chipmunks? Maybe even E.T. for all we know. We’ll never know because the snowflake liberal judges wouldn’t allow any evidence to be presented.”

“And those people who were carrying a gallows chanting to hang the vice president, and the people who were beating up on cops and breaking into the building and defecating? They weren’t Trump supporters. They were Antifa, and Black Lives Matter, or both – trying to make Trump and his supporters look bad. Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity reported on it. Trump would never condone anything like that, and neither would Trump supporters. But Black Lives Matter and Antifa would. They’re all terrorists. They run around rioting and looting and beating and defecating and burning down American cities every day. I’m surprised there are any cities left standing in America.”

Kirk stood up, yanked his pants down, revealing a pair of adult Pampers – his signature brand – with baby duckies on them, and released a large, rather disgusting expulsion of gas. He then grinned and said, “Checkmate, libtards!”

It should be noted that that when Trump failed to win the election of 2020, conservatives didn’t burn stuff down. But they did cry, and they violently destroyed property, assaulted people – killing several, just as they did during the BLM protests – and used certain parts of the Capitol as makeshift toilets.

Checkmate libtards!

In The News: Mike Pence Heckled As A ‘Traitor’ During Speech At Republican Conference

FeaturedIn The News: Mike Pence Heckled As A ‘Traitor’ During Speech At Republican Conference

The Hill has reported that former vice president Mike Pence was heckled during a speech at the Faith And Freedom conference last Friday.

“It’s great to be back with so many patriots dedicated to faith and freedom,” Pence said, ironically unaware that many in the audience were anything but patriotic – “and the road to the majority. I’m a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican in that order.”

Then the cries of “traitor” began from the patriots in the audience, who obviously believed it would have been easier had Pence given in to the whim of Donald Trump, and just accepted the fact that Caspar The Friendly Ghost possessed Joe Biden and George Soros from beyond the grave to manipulate every voting apparatus in America. If he had, they never would have threatened to hang him outside the Capitol.

Pence claims both he and Trump have spoken since the embarrassing incident. “I don’t know if we’ll ever see eye to eye on that day, but I will always be proud of what we accomplished for the American people over the last four years.”

The two accomplished absolutely nothing – at least nothing to be proud of – in four years. Nothing but one scandal, and one national embarasment after another. Not to mention the fact that some of the so-called “patriots” who broke into the Capitol building couldn’t resist using it as a toilet.

Pence is rumored to be eyeing a run for the presidency in 2024. Should he do so, he just may find himself in a primary race with some bats**t crazy competition with Republican lawmakers – Josh Hawley, and Ted Cruz – who also objected to the electoral results because they too believe it was influenced by the evil spirit of Caspar The Friendly Ghost.

Source: The Hill.

Pro Second Amendment Judge Compares Assault Weapons To Swiss Army Knives, And Swiss Miss Cocoa

Pro Second Amendment Judge Compares Assault Weapons To Swiss Army Knives, And Swiss Miss Cocoa

California’s assault weapons ban, which has been in effect for thirty-two years, has just been overturned. A federal judge overturned that prohibition on Friday, which he referred to as “a failed experiment because it didn’t include bazookas, howitzers, machine guns, Swiss Army knives, and Swiss Miss cocoa.”

The last time the law was challenged was 2019 by James Miller, a California resident, and the San Diego County Gun Owners, which is a political action committee.

The federal judge, Roger Benitez of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of California said that the state’s penal code which defined assault weapons were unconstitutional and would be enjoined. He said the case was about “what should be a muscular Constitutional right and whether a state can force a gun policy choice that impinges on the right of “thirsty American citizens who want their guns and their Swiss Miss cocoa.”

“It should be an easy question and answer,” he said. “Government is not free to impose its own new policy choices on American citizens where Constitutional rights are concerned.”

The ridiculous judge said that none of the weapons banned under state law were “bazookas, howitzers, or machine guns, but “fairly ordinary, popular, modern rifles.”

California’s governor Gavin Newsom, criticized the ruling as a “direct threat to public safety and the lives of innocent Californians.”

He also criticized the opening lines of Benitez’s decision in which the judge claimed that like the Swiss Army knife – and a cup of Swiss Miss Cocoa – “the AR-15 is the perfect defense combination of home defense weapon and homeland defense equipment. As soon as you finish that first cup of Swiss Miss – like Folgers in your cup – you can whip out that Swiss Miss Army knife, and your AR-15, and you’re ready to blow away that liberal p***y who’s trying to break into your house to steal your guns. Then you can cut his heart out with your Swiss Miss Army knife and hang it on your mantle as a trophy. And when you’re done, you can celebrate with another hot, sweet cup of Swiss Miss.”

During a press conference Friday, Governor Newsome said, “Comparing an AR-15 to a Swiss Miss Army knife and a cup of Swiss Miss Cocoa, undermines the credibility of this decision, and frankly makes the honorable judge sound like a f***ing loon. Please excuse my French.

“It’s also a slap in the face to the families who have lost loved ones to this weapon – not to mention the millions of gallons of that God-awful cocoa they consumed.”

California’s Attorney General, Rob Bonta, also criticized Friday’s ruling in a written statement.

Today’s decision is fundamentally flawed and we will be appealing it. There is no sound basis in law, fact, or common sense, for equating assault rifles with Swiss Army Knives or Swiss Miss hot chocolate, for that matter – especially on Gun Violence Awareness Day, and the recent shootings in California communities. It wasn’t Swiss Miss chocolate that killed those people, it was an ***hole with an AR-15. Please excuse my French.”

Second amendment fanatics all over California celebrated by buying tons of Swiss Army knives and Swiss Miss cocoa. In a matter of days, every store and supply chain that carried the two products , were sold out.

Sources: The Week, NY Times.

In The News Last Week: Donald Trump Delivers Bizarre, Slur-Ridden Speech At Mar-A-Lago Donor Retreat – Was He Drunk, High, Or Simply Being Himself?

In The News Last Week: Donald Trump Delivers Bizarre, Slur-Ridden Speech At Mar-A-Lago Donor Retreat – Was He Drunk, High, Or Simply Being Himself?

Certain words and events have been changed for humorous effect.

Trump before his bizarre speech at Mar-a-Lago.

Speaking to a group of Republican donors at his Mar-A-Lago golf resort Saturday night, Donald Trump lambasted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel and Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Looking as if he were about to fall asleep standing up, Trump said, “That bitch… I mean that Mitch McConnel, I’ll tell you, he’s one dumb son-of-a butthead, don’t you think?”

The crowd cheered wildly, hissing and booing in agreement.

Ever since McConnell had the testicles to criticize him for his role in the Capitol riot, which he had referred to as “a disgraceful dereliction of duty,” Trump’s panties had been wadded into a bunch.

McConnell had been one of the forty-three Republicans to vote Trump not guilty of the charge of inciting the attack on the Capitol.

“There’s no question, none really, that president Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of that day,” McConnell said back in February. “No question about it. I mean, look, they listened to Trump whine and cry like a two year-old about an election he lost fair and square. They listened to him babble about haunted voting machines, the evil spirit of Hugo Chavez, the evilest Jew in the world – George Soros – Antifa, Captain Crunch, and Tony The Tiger working with China, Joe Biden and the Democrats to steal the election. The people who stormed this building believed they were acting on the wishes and instructions of their president. And having that belief was a foreseeable consequence of false statements, conspiracy theories and reckless hyperbole which the defeated president kept shouting into the largest megaphone on earth.”

Despite his criticism, McConnell voted not guilty because he believed Trump was “Constitutionally not eligible for conviction” given the fact that he was no longer president.

“Do you know he had the balls to criticize me after the, uhh… the ahh… that… uhh… whatever it was at the Clapitol,” Trump continued, stuttering and slurring some of his words. It was obvious that he was either drunk, high, or medicated on something, but no one noticed, or seemed to care. All they cared about was Trump. All eyes present were adorably fixated on Trump.

“The riot by Antifa!?” some joker in the audience shouted, and everyone laughed, this time with more gusto.

“That’s right,” Trump said. “It was Antifa. It had nothing to do with me! It was Antifa, and Sleepy Joe prodly put ’em to it. Anyway, you know what he said? He said it was “a definition of duty.”

The crowd laughed again. Trump thought they were laughing at how stupid they believed McConnell was for blaming him for the riot. But they weren’t laughing at McConnell. They were laughing at Trump’s description of McConnell’s criticism – “description of duty.” To them it probably conjured images of bowel movements or something similar, hence the laughter.

“That’s right. That guy’s a real boozer. He should take up drinking instead. He sucks at being a Senatorial. I heard his wife once to clean my toilets. She suffered so greatly… marrying Mitch… not cleaning my toilets. Did he ever tell you that? No? Did I ever tell you that? No? I guess he’s ashamed to have people know his wife cleans crap for a living… and married Mitch. Well, I guess it’s true what Democrats say about that guy, that loser. He looks like a pencil-neck greek masquerading as a tuttle. To me he looks more like that weasel in that Foghorn Leghorn cartoom from Warmer Brothers.”

The crowd laughed uproariously, still blissfully unaware that he was drunk or high… or just not caring.

Speaking on Anthony Fauci he said, “Have you ever seen any- bloody so full of clap?”

“Mitch McConnel?!” another joker shouted, although it sounded like the same guy.

The crowd once again erupted into laughter.

“That’s right,” Trump said. “No one’s more full of crap than that… that… that Mitch the pencil-neck tuttle. Except Dr. Gouci. Fist he said not to wear a mask, then he said to wear a mask, then he said to go outside, then he said to don’t go outside, play social distancing media instead. Well, which is it Dr. Nouci I assed him. I never wrote a mask when I went outside and I was fine until I got sick, but I was OK, they gave me all kinds of drugs to make feel better, just like I do now. I felt like Superman in Christian Slater. I should have wore my Superman cape to show everyone how strong I was, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, Donald!” the joker shouted. “Ain’t no one stronger than you! Not Superman, not Batman, not Spiderman, not Iron Man, and not even me!”

Most of the crowd laughed again, like they hadn’t heard anything so funny in ages. One old woman cackled so hard her dentures flew from her mouth and landed in the hair of a woman sitting in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care, especially the woman whose hair it was stuck in. Another old lady with a face like a donkey snorted so hard, snot exploded from her nostrils splattering several people in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care. An old man laughed until he literally crapped himself, farting explosively as he defecated. Again, no one noticed or seemed to care.

“They made fun of me when I said the corona beer virus would be gone by Easter, and when I said you can mix belch with Kool-aid and drink it to get rid of the virus, they thought I was crazy. They laughed. But I was right. A lot of people did it and were cured. I guess I showed ’em, am I right?”

“That’s right Donald!” the joker shouted again. “No one knows more than you do! Not Mitch the tuttle, not Dr. Nouci, and not even me!”

Trump babbled on for nearly forty more minutes, about space aliens wanting to eat his brain, Mexicans being bad people who want to eat his brain, the Democrats and Sleepy Joe stealing the election through Dominion voting machines, Hugo Chavez, Antifa, George Soros, Tony The Tiger, Captain Crunch… and space aliens who wanted not only to steal the election, but eat his brain.

He also babbled about the vaccines he claimed he had been responsible for and said they should have been called Donaldcines. The media, other than Fox News, Newsmax and OANN, had no idea what the whole thing was about.

Was he drunk? Was he high? Or was he simply being himself? Your guess is as good as anyone’s guess.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott Says His Feelings Are “Very, Very Hurt”  Over Decision To Move All-Star Game From Atlanta And That Texas Asked Obama To Throw First Pitch At Home Opener

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott Says His Feelings Are “Very, Very Hurt”  Over Decision To Move All-Star Game From Atlanta And That Texas Asked Obama To Throw First Pitch At Home Opener

Texas Governor Greg Abbott said yesterday he was looking forward to throwing out the first pitch at this year’s Texas Rangers home opener, until Major League Baseball – including individual players, and the Players Alliance, which formed after the death of George Floyd – grew a pair of testicles, and started playing partisan politics over Georgia’s new voting law signed last week by Governor Brian Kemp.

The decision to move this year’s All-Star game from Atlanta, came after Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed the new controversial voting reform bill, SB 202.

“I was looking forward to throwing out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ home opening game until @MLB adopted what has turned out to be a false narrative about Georgia’s election law reforms.

“It’s really a shame: I was honored when they asked me to do it. Their first choice was former president Obama, but he turned them down because of the great job Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and I did in response to February’s brutal winter storm ( cancel culture strikes again! Thanks Obama )! So they asked me instead. When they informed me that Obama had been their first choice, I told them they made a big mistake to ask a mom jeans-wearing president who throws like a girl, and who would probably want to play golf – rather than throw the first pitch – like he did his entire time in the White House.”

In an additional statement, Governor Abbott said he would never ever again “participate in any events sponsored by Major League Baseball, and neither will Texas seek to host a future All-Star game, or any other MLB sponsored event,” because his feelings were “very, very hurt and insulted that Major League Baseball had decided to move the All-Star game, and that the Texas Rangers had the audacity to ask former president Obama to throw out the season’s first pitch.”

Source: ESPN