On a recent broadcast of his radio show, the Great One told his audience of seven: “This is an American company,” Levin said in the nasally voice that his listeners never seem to get tired of hearing.
“It is founded by and run by an American patriot. His name is Mike Lindell. People think he’s either a drunk, a lunatic or a patriot. I happen to fall into the category that think he’s a patriot. He’s a patriot because he supports Trump. People are trying to take him out because they don’t like his products. Did you know that, Mr. Producer?”
Mr. Producer: “No, I didn’t. Huh, how about that?”
“That’s right, Mr. Producer. It has nothing to do with any of this election stuff and that totally made-up riot at the Capitol. And you know what? It’s not going to work. I’ll tell you that right now. His products are great. He has every right to give his opinion, and I don’t care if anyone doesn’t believe a word he says.
“I don’t care if people believe he’s a liar or a lunatic! I don’t care if he can’t prove a word he says! It’s his opinion. He should be allowed to state his opinion. Shouldn’t he, Mr. Producer?”
Mr. Producer: “Check.”
“And you know what? He’s right. His word should be enough! And we should support him by buying his products.
“I think his six piece towel set is great, by the way. You know what they say? They say Trumpy Bear Won, Not Sleepy-Joe in red, white and blue lettering. They’re billed as patriot towels. How’s that for true American Patriotism? They’re the best towels I ever owned. They get me cleaner and dryer than any towel I ever used. Not like those wimpy towels made by those other guys. I wouldn’t wipe my bottom with those. They remind me of that trash bag commercial making fun of the weaker bags. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
“My wife loves My Slippers. What’s that, Mr. Producer?”
Mr. Producer: “She loves your slippers?”
“I don’t have a pair of slippers,” Levin said. “My wife has My Slippers.”
Mr. Producer: “Are you trying to tell me your wife stole your slippers and won’t give them back?”
“No, Mr. Producer, you misunderstand. My wife has a pair of My Slippers, another great product produced by My Pillow, which also have the words Trumpy Bear Won, Not Sleepy-Joe in red, white and blue bold lettering. But, you what I like best?”
Mr. Producer: “What’s that?”
“My Teddy Bear Pillow, because whenever I’m upset about something, I get to cry myself to sleep, like I did the night Trump lost the election, and it works every time.”
As the coronavirus refuses to go away due to the stubbornness and stupidity of Republicans, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis appeared on Tucker Carlson Tonight to complained that Democrats have politicized masks for no reason.
The governor’s ratings approval have dropped faster than Floridians are filling up hospitals due to his executive orders banning mask mandates, which have been successfully blocked so far by a Tallahassee court.
“For the life of me, Tucker, I can’t figure out why politics have masks around it,” the governor complained to the host. “We’re currently in a pandemic that won’t go away because Democrats want everyone to wear masks all the time. It’s insane. We all know that masks are ineffective against the virus, because last year Dr. Fauci said that masks don’t work. He lied. First he said they work, and then he said they don’t work. I mean, who are we suppose to trust if they won’t tell us the truth?”
“Well, certainly not Dr. Fauci,” Carlson said. “He lied not only about masks, he lied about the vaccines too. We know for a fact that the vaccines have killed far more than COVID has.”
“We also have onions involved,” DeSantis said. “The same onions that wanted schools closed last year. Remember, we were in court last year at this time because they wanted to sue me to keep the schools closed. We were getting kids back into school because we understood – unlike those clueless libs – how important it was for parents and kids to be learning and all this stuff, instead of playing video games all day, which are also getting people killed.”
Tucker stared at him with that face that progressive commentators have made fun of countless times. “I think you mean, unions, governor.”
“No, I mean those sour pusses, those teachers that form those things that… you know, those what do ya call ’em, those clubs that fight for workers, those thing-a-ma-jigs…?”
Charlie Kirk has had the last laugh. For years, Turning Point USA’s founder and executive director, has been owning the libs in spectacular fashion, just as he did when he put on his first pair of Pampers to own the smug libs in 2017, who were crying for a safe space on the campus of Kent State University because they’re such crybabies.
Kirk, a young leader in the “America First” conservative movement, has been touring America’s college campuses with other leaders in the movement, like Dana Loesch, and Tomi Lahren, warning young conservatives of the dangers of the culture wars perpetuated by liberals who want to ban their free speech, just as they banned Mr. Potato Head, Dr. Seuss, Confederate statues, and then shove CRT and the 1619 Project up their rear ends.
In 2018, Kirk tweeted that when Obama was elected, they didn’t cry and burn stuff down, they waited patiently for eight years, acting absolutely civil toward the new president, showing him the utmost respect that liberals refused to show Trump.
This time, Kirk – always the truth-teller – reminds us that the summer protests over the unlawful killing of George Floyd, were really out of control riots by Black Lives Matter and Antifa, who just can’t help but resort to violence when they can’t get their way, as opposed to Trump supporters who descended on the D.C. Capitol for a picnic, or a tour, to calmly convince the Senate that they were wrong to certify the electoral votes for Biden, and should, instead, declare Trump the winner.
“It really had nothing to do with president Trump’s “stop the steal” rhetoric,” Charlie told the Weekly Journal News. “It was all Sleepy Joe’s fault, and George Soros, and Hugo Chavez, Antifa and maybe even Mickey Mouse. Who knows who else was in on it? Casper The Friendly Ghost? That’s not so unbelievable, you know, since it’s been proven that Hugo Chavez had a hand in it. Who else could have been involved? Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Alvin and the Chipmunks? Maybe even E.T. for all we know. We’ll never know because the snowflake liberal judges wouldn’t allow any evidence to be presented.”
“And those people who were carrying a gallows chanting to hang the vice president, and the people who were beating up on cops and breaking into the building and defecating? They weren’t Trump supporters. They were Antifa, and Black Lives Matter, or both – trying to make Trump and his supporters look bad. Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity reported on it. Trump would never condone anything like that, and neither would Trump supporters. But Black Lives Matter and Antifa would. They’re all terrorists. They run around rioting and looting and beating and defecating and burning down American cities every day. I’m surprised there are any cities left standing in America.”
Kirk stood up, yanked his pants down, revealing a pair of adult Pampers – his signature brand – with baby duckies on them, and released a large, rather disgusting expulsion of gas. He then grinned and said, “Checkmate, libtards!”
It should be noted that that when Trump failed to win the election of 2020, conservatives didn’t burn stuff down. But they did cry, and they violently destroyed property, assaulted people – killing several, just as they did during the BLM protests – and used certain parts of the Capitol as makeshift toilets.
The Hill has reported that former vice president Mike Pence was heckled during a speech at the Faith And Freedom conference last Friday.
“It’s great to be back with so many patriots dedicated to faith and freedom,” Pence said, ironically unaware that many in the audience were anything but patriotic – “and the road to the majority. I’m a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican in that order.”
Then the cries of “traitor” began from the patriots in the audience, who obviously believed it would have been easier had Pence given in to the whim of Donald Trump, and just accepted the fact that Caspar The Friendly Ghost possessed Joe Biden and George Soros from beyond the grave to manipulate every voting apparatus in America. If he had, they never would have threatened to hang him outside the Capitol.
Pence claims both he and Trump have spoken since the embarrassing incident. “I don’t know if we’ll ever see eye to eye on that day, but I will always be proud of what we accomplished for the American people over the last four years.”
The two accomplished absolutely nothing – at least nothing to be proud of – in four years. Nothing but one scandal, and one national embarasment after another. Not to mention the fact that some of the so-called “patriots” who broke into the Capitol building couldn’t resist using it as a toilet.
Pence is rumored to be eyeing a run for the presidency in 2024. Should he do so, he just may find himself in a primary race with some bats**t crazy competition with Republican lawmakers – Josh Hawley, and Ted Cruz – who also objected to the electoral results because they too believe it was influenced by the evil spirit of Caspar The Friendly Ghost.
California’s assault weapons ban, which has been in effect for thirty-two years, has just been overturned. A federal judge overturned that prohibition on Friday, which he referred to as “a failed experiment because it didn’t include bazookas, howitzers, machine guns, Swiss Army knives, and Swiss Miss cocoa.”
The last time the law was challenged was 2019 by James Miller, a California resident, and the San Diego County Gun Owners, which is a political action committee.
The federal judge, Roger Benitez of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of California said that the state’s penal code which defined assault weapons were unconstitutional and would be enjoined. He said the case was about “what should be a muscular Constitutional right and whether a state can force a gun policy choice that impinges on the right of “thirsty American citizens who want their guns and their Swiss Miss cocoa.”
“It should be an easy question and answer,” he said. “Government is not free to impose its own new policy choices on American citizens where Constitutional rights are concerned.”
The ridiculous judge said that none of the weapons banned under state law were “bazookas, howitzers, or machine guns, but “fairly ordinary, popular, modern rifles.”
California’s governor Gavin Newsom, criticized the ruling as a “direct threat to public safety and the lives of innocent Californians.”
He also criticized the opening lines of Benitez’s decision in which the judge claimed that like the Swiss Army knife – and a cup of Swiss Miss Cocoa – “the AR-15 is the perfect defense combination of home defense weapon and homeland defense equipment. As soon as you finish that first cup of Swiss Miss – like Folgers in your cup – you can whip out that Swiss Miss Army knife, and your AR-15, and you’re ready to blow away that liberal p***y who’s trying to break into your house to steal your guns. Then you can cut his heart out with your Swiss Miss Army knife and hang it on your mantle as a trophy. And when you’re done, you can celebrate with another hot, sweet cup of Swiss Miss.”
During a press conference Friday, Governor Newsome said, “Comparing an AR-15 to a Swiss Miss Army knife and a cup of Swiss Miss Cocoa, undermines the credibility of this decision, and frankly makes the honorable judge sound like a f***ing loon. Please excuse my French.
“It’s also a slap in the face to the families who have lost loved ones to this weapon – not to mention the millions of gallons of that God-awful cocoa they consumed.”
California’s Attorney General, Rob Bonta, also criticized Friday’s ruling in a written statement.
“Today’s decision is fundamentally flawed and we will be appealing it. There is no sound basis in law, fact, or common sense, for equating assault rifles with Swiss Army Knives or Swiss Miss hot chocolate, for that matter – especially on Gun Violence Awareness Day, and the recent shootings in California communities. It wasn’t Swiss Miss chocolate that killed those people, it was an ***hole with an AR-15. Please excuse my French.”
Second amendment fanatics all over California celebrated by buying tons of Swiss Army knives and Swiss Miss cocoa. In a matter of days, every store and supply chain that carried the two products , were sold out.
Certain words and events have been changed for humorous effect.
Speaking to a group of Republican donors at his Mar-A-Lago golf resort Saturday night, Donald Trump lambasted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Looking as if he were about to fall asleep standing up, Trump said, “That bitch… I mean that Mitch McConnel, I’ll tell you, he’s one dumb son-of-a butthead, don’t you think?”
The crowd cheered wildly, hissing and booing in agreement.
Ever since McConnell had the testicles to criticize him for his role in the Capitol riot, which he had referred to as “a disgraceful dereliction of duty,” Trump’s panties had been wadded into a bunch.
McConnell had been one of the forty-three Republicans to vote Trump not guilty of the charge of inciting the attack on the Capitol.
“There’s no question, none really, that president Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of that day,” McConnell said back in February. “No question about it. I mean, look, they listened to Trump whine and cry like a two year-old about an election he lost fair and square. They listened to him babble about haunted voting machines, the evil spirit of Hugo Chavez, the evilest Jew in the world – George Soros – Antifa, Captain Crunch, and Tony The Tiger working with China, Joe Biden and the Democrats to steal the election. The people who stormed this building believed they were acting on the wishes and instructions of their president. And having that belief was a foreseeable consequence of false statements, conspiracy theories and reckless hyperbole which the defeated president kept shouting into the largest megaphone on earth.”
Despite his criticism, McConnell voted not guilty because he believed Trump was “Constitutionally not eligible for conviction” given the fact that he was no longer president.
“Do you know he had the balls to criticize me after the, uhh… the ahh… that… uhh… whatever it was at the Clapitol,” Trump continued, stuttering and slurring some of his words. It was obvious that he was either drunk, high, or medicated on something, but no one noticed, or seemed to care. All they cared about was Trump. All eyes present were adorably fixated on Trump.
“The riot by Antifa!?” some joker in the audience shouted, and everyone laughed, this time with more gusto.
“That’s right,” Trump said. “It was Antifa. It had nothing to do with me! It was Antifa, and Sleepy Joe prodly put ’em to it. Anyway, you know what he said? He said it was “a definition of duty.”
The crowd laughed again. Trump thought they were laughing at how stupid they believed McConnell was for blaming him for the riot. But they weren’t laughing at McConnell. They were laughing at Trump’s description of McConnell’s criticism – “description of duty.” To them it probably conjured images of bowel movements or something similar, hence the laughter.
“That’s right. That guy’s a real boozer. He should take up drinking instead. He sucks at being a Senatorial. I heard his wife once to clean my toilets. She suffered so greatly… marrying Mitch… not cleaning my toilets. Did he ever tell you that? No? Did I ever tell you that? No? I guess he’s ashamed to have people know his wife cleans crap for a living… and married Mitch. Well, I guess it’s true what Democrats say about that guy, that loser. He looks like a pencil-neck greek masquerading as a tuttle. To me he looks more like that weasel in that Foghorn Leghorn cartoom from Warmer Brothers.”
The crowd laughed uproariously, still blissfully unaware that he was drunk or high… or just not caring.
Speaking on Anthony Fauci he said, “Have you ever seen any- bloody so full of clap?”
“Mitch McConnel?!” another joker shouted, although it sounded like the same guy.
The crowd once again erupted into laughter.
“That’s right,” Trump said. “No one’s more full of crap than that… that… that Mitch the pencil-neck tuttle. Except Dr. Gouci. Fist he said not to wear a mask, then he said to wear a mask, then he said to go outside, then he said to don’t go outside, play social distancing media instead. Well, which is it Dr. Nouci I assed him. I never wrote a mask when I went outside and I was fine until I got sick, but I was OK, they gave me all kinds of drugs to make feel better, just like I do now. I felt like Superman in Christian Slater. I should have wore my Superman cape to show everyone how strong I was, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, Donald!” the joker shouted. “Ain’t no one stronger than you! Not Superman, not Batman, not Spiderman, not Iron Man, and not even me!”
Most of the crowd laughed again, like they hadn’t heard anything so funny in ages. One old woman cackled so hard her dentures flew from her mouth and landed in the hair of a woman sitting in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care, especially the woman whose hair it was stuck in. Another old lady with a face like a donkey snorted so hard, snot exploded from her nostrils splattering several people in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care. An old man laughed until he literally crapped himself, farting explosively as he defecated. Again, no one noticed or seemed to care.
“They made fun of me when I said the corona beer virus would be gone by Easter, and when I said you can mix belch with Kool-aid and drink it to get rid of the virus, they thought I was crazy. They laughed. But I was right. A lot of people did it and were cured. I guess I showed ’em, am I right?”
“That’s right Donald!” the joker shouted again. “No one knows more than you do! Not Mitch the tuttle, not Dr. Nouci, and not even me!”
Trump babbled on for nearly forty more minutes, about space aliens wanting to eat his brain, Mexicans being bad people who want to eat his brain, the Democrats and Sleepy Joe stealing the election through Dominion voting machines, Hugo Chavez, Antifa, George Soros, Tony The Tiger, Captain Crunch… and space aliens who wanted not only to steal the election, but eat his brain.
He also babbled about the vaccines he claimed he had been responsible for and said they should have been called Donaldcines. The media, other than Fox News, Newsmax and OANN, had no idea what the whole thing was about.
Was he drunk? Was he high? Or was he simply being himself? Your guess is as good as anyone’s guess.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott said yesterday he was looking forward to throwing out the first pitch at this year’s Texas Rangers home opener, until Major League Baseball – including individual players, and the Players Alliance, which formed after the death of George Floyd – grew a pair of testicles, and started playing partisan politics over Georgia’s new voting law signed last week by Governor Brian Kemp.
The decision to move this year’s All-Star game from Atlanta, came after Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed the new controversial voting reform bill, SB 202.
In an additional statement, Governor Abbott said he would never ever again “participate in any events sponsored by Major League Baseball, and neither will Texas seek to host a future All-Star game, or any other MLB sponsored event,” because his feelings were “very, very hurt and insulted that Major League Baseball had decided to move the All-Star game, and that the Texas Rangers had the audacity to ask former president Obama to throw out the season’s first pitch.”
President Joe Biden – otherwise known as “Sleepy Joe” and “Stuttering Joe” to his right-wing critics – delivered his first address to the nation March 11. It was a short speech that many found boring, touching on making vaccinations available to all Americans by the first of May, boosting the economy, re-opening schools safely, and holding the former president accountable for his pandemic failures.
Most viewers who tuned in to the address found it so boring, they either fell asleep or died of boredom. It was Joe Biden’s first televised speech since becoming president, and many viewers were expecting him to stutter his way through the entire speech or fall asleep in front of the cameras creating a national scandal that Fox News would harp on for the next four years.
Those viewers who struggled to keep themselves from succumbing to sleep or death from boredom, found the speech either sensible or unintelligible. Those who found it sensible praised Biden’s leadership, while some of his critics had rather silly and nonsensical reactions. The following are just a few of the silliest and embarrassing reactions to the president’s address.
Fox News contributor and The Federalist publisher, Ben Domenech – AKA Mr. Meghan McCain – on the Fox Business Network:
“This just another speech from a senile old fart who thinks he’s in charge of things, but it’s actually his wife – who also thinks she’s a real doctor – who’s in charge of everything. I almost fell asleep, like most people who watched it. I could feel my eyelids drooping with every boring word, terrified that at any moment I would fall into the black hole of death. It was so boring it was as if they had gotten the alien mannequin from that Star Trek episode to play Biden. I can’t remember the name of the episode , but it was the one that featured Ron Howard’s brother. I don’t think it would have mattered if they had, most people probably would have thought it was him anyway, since he actually lookslike a mannequin. But dear God I could! And thank God I had tons of coffee on hand to fight off impending death!”
The other members of the panel laughed as if it were the funniest joke they had ever heard.
Fox News contributor Katie Pavlich tweeted:
Former governor Mike Huckabee:
Most Americans – even those who had fallen into stupors and comas – found the president’s speech sensible, despite a lack of stimuli. Those who had unfortunately succumbed to death, had no opinions.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper wasn’t buying Ted Cruz’s sudden concern for “vitriol and hatred” following the criticism he had received for fleeing from Texas during a major winter storm that left an estimated several dozen people dead and millions without power.
On his February 19 broadcast the CNN host ridiculed the Texas Senator in spectacular fashion, criticism that had been lacking in other media such as Fox News and OANN.
Cooper pointed out that at least six weeks previously, Cruz had objected to the electoral certification of Joe Biden – prior to a pro-Trump mob storming the Capitol that had essentially been egged on by the rhetoric of a stolen election.
Pulling up a video of an ABC interview, Cooper snarked that Cruz had shifted from Cruz control to damage control.
“We’re at a very divided place in our country where people are screaming vitriol and hate ( for no reason. I’ve never seen so much vitriol and hate for anybody, other than Donald Trump. First they hate Trump so much they spend four years trying to destroy him, and now they hate me for no reason and want to destroy me,” ) Cruz lamented. “( What is everyone so mad about? I mean, all I did was take a trip to Cancun during a winter storm that may have killed people. If we didn’t, we would have froze to death… is that my fault? Actually, if anybody can be blamed here, it’s my daughter’s. They virtually blackmailed me into going. They swore they would never speak to me again if I didn’t take them to Cancun. What else could I do? It wasn’t my fault. Snowflake didn’t blame me. He was frozen like a popsicle when we got back, but at least he didn’t blame me. He did blame the girls, though ).
“And you know what? That is a sad sign of where we are. I don’t do that to other people. You don’t see me screaming at people I disagree with that they need to resign. One of the things I’m most dismayed about is how in the last 24 hours this whole thing dominated the air waves instead of focusing on let’s solve the problems.”
“As a matter of fact, it has not dominate the air waves,” Cooper continued. “The Texas storm has dominated the news – the storm you blamed on your daughters.
“As for the country being divided, Senator Cruz, it really is absurd and laughable after you and nearly half a dozen Senators who were so butthurt over an election certification to confirm Joe Biden as president, decided to stage a ridiculous stunt – a coup to disrupt the confirmation by wearing diapers as a form of protest – the infamous “Diaper Caucus.” But, fortunately, your embarrassing little stunt failed due to the fact that rioting Tump supporters beat you to it… but in this case, they weren’t wearing diapers – at least not that I noticed.”
On a segment of Newsmax’s Greg Kelly Reports last week, the serious news host asked his viewers who the real president was, Joe Biden or his dog, Champ.
After putting up a photo of the president’s dog, a German Shepherd, Kelly said, “Look at this dog. A real mutt if I ever saw one. Now don’t get me wrong here, I love dogs. But this dog needs a bath, and a comb and all kinds of care… and maybe even some Old Spice after shave.
“I remember Buddy, I remember Millie, I remember lots of dogs, but I’ve never seen a mutt in the White House like this, which leaves me with a serious question.”
He then brought on two presidential historians and apparent experts on dogs.
“Craig Shirley and Doug Weed, welcome to the show. Does this dog look presidential to either of you?”
“Not like any dog I’ve ever seen in the White House before,” said Shirley.
“Me neither,” said Weed.
“The reason I ask is because if the president isn’t presidential – and he certainly isn’t – then who’s the real president? I mean he certainly doesn’t act presidential.”
“That’s right, Greg,” Shirley said. “It can’t be Joe Biden. He’s got too many disgusting habits to be a president. He falls asleep constantly, which is why everyone calls him Sleepy Joe, and more than once I’ve seen him pick his nose and look around furtively to see if anybody’s watching before sticking it in his mouth. And once I even saw a snot bubble come out of one his nostrils while he was laughing. It was huge, not one of those tiny bubbles. It was like watching a glass blower making glass. There were all these colors swirling around in it. I was terrified it might pop and splatter everyone around him with snot and boogers. But it didn’t. God, it was gross. He also looked around furtively then, too, hoping nobody saw it, but I saw it. It was gross.”
“I heard him pass wind once,” Weed chimed in. “That was even grosser. And he wasn’t looking around; he was laughing. Dogs don’t do that. Disgusting. So, my money’s on the dog. At least a dog is too dumb to realize how disgusting it is when it licks itself, or toots. What’s Joe’s excuse? I just hope he doesn’t start licking himself. That would really be gross!”