Certain words and events have been changed for humorous effect.
Speaking to a group of Republican donors at his Mar-A-Lago golf resort Saturday night, Donald Trump lambasted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Looking as if he were about to fall asleep standing up, Trump said, “That bitch… I mean that Mitch McConnel, I’ll tell you, he’s one dumb son-of-a butthead, don’t you think?”
The crowd cheered wildly, hissing and booing in agreement.
Ever since McConnell had the testicles to criticize him for his role in the Capitol riot, which he had referred to as “a disgraceful dereliction of duty,” Trump’s panties had been wadded into a bunch.
McConnell had been one of the forty-three Republicans to vote Trump not guilty of the charge of inciting the attack on the Capitol.
“There’s no question, none really, that president Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of that day,” McConnell said back in February. “No question about it. I mean, look, they listened to Trump whine and cry like a two year-old about an election he lost fair and square. They listened to him babble about haunted voting machines, the evil spirit of Hugo Chavez, the evilest Jew in the world – George Soros – Antifa, Captain Crunch, and Tony The Tiger working with China, Joe Biden and the Democrats to steal the election. The people who stormed this building believed they were acting on the wishes and instructions of their president. And having that belief was a foreseeable consequence of false statements, conspiracy theories and reckless hyperbole which the defeated president kept shouting into the largest megaphone on earth.”
Despite his criticism, McConnell voted not guilty because he believed Trump was “Constitutionally not eligible for conviction” given the fact that he was no longer president.
“Do you know he had the balls to criticize me after the, uhh… the ahh… that… uhh… whatever it was at the Clapitol,” Trump continued, stuttering and slurring some of his words. It was obvious that he was either drunk, high, or medicated on something, but no one noticed, or seemed to care. All they cared about was Trump. All eyes present were adorably fixated on Trump.
“The riot by Antifa!?” some joker in the audience shouted, and everyone laughed, this time with more gusto.
“That’s right,” Trump said. “It was Antifa. It had nothing to do with me! It was Antifa, and Sleepy Joe prodly put ’em to it. Anyway, you know what he said? He said it was “a definition of duty.”
The crowd laughed again. Trump thought they were laughing at how stupid they believed McConnell was for blaming him for the riot. But they weren’t laughing at McConnell. They were laughing at Trump’s description of McConnell’s criticism – “description of duty.” To them it probably conjured images of bowel movements or something similar, hence the laughter.
“That’s right. That guy’s a real boozer. He should take up drinking instead. He sucks at being a Senatorial. I heard his wife once to clean my toilets. She suffered so greatly… marrying Mitch… not cleaning my toilets. Did he ever tell you that? No? Did I ever tell you that? No? I guess he’s ashamed to have people know his wife cleans crap for a living… and married Mitch. Well, I guess it’s true what Democrats say about that guy, that loser. He looks like a pencil-neck greek masquerading as a tuttle. To me he looks more like that weasel in that Foghorn Leghorn cartoom from Warmer Brothers.”
The crowd laughed uproariously, still blissfully unaware that he was drunk or high… or just not caring.
Speaking on Anthony Fauci he said, “Have you ever seen any- bloody so full of clap?”
“Mitch McConnel?!” another joker shouted, although it sounded like the same guy.
The crowd once again erupted into laughter.
“That’s right,” Trump said. “No one’s more full of crap than that… that… that Mitch the pencil-neck tuttle. Except Dr. Gouci. Fist he said not to wear a mask, then he said to wear a mask, then he said to go outside, then he said to don’t go outside, play social distancing media instead. Well, which is it Dr. Nouci I assed him. I never wrote a mask when I went outside and I was fine until I got sick, but I was OK, they gave me all kinds of drugs to make feel better, just like I do now. I felt like Superman in Christian Slater. I should have wore my Superman cape to show everyone how strong I was, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, Donald!” the joker shouted. “Ain’t no one stronger than you! Not Superman, not Batman, not Spiderman, not Iron Man, and not even me!”
Most of the crowd laughed again, like they hadn’t heard anything so funny in ages. One old woman cackled so hard her dentures flew from her mouth and landed in the hair of a woman sitting in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care, especially the woman whose hair it was stuck in. Another old lady with a face like a donkey snorted so hard, snot exploded from her nostrils splattering several people in front of her. No one noticed or seemed to care. An old man laughed until he literally crapped himself, farting explosively as he defecated. Again, no one noticed or seemed to care.
“They made fun of me when I said the corona beer virus would be gone by Easter, and when I said you can mix belch with Kool-aid and drink it to get rid of the virus, they thought I was crazy. They laughed. But I was right. A lot of people did it and were cured. I guess I showed ’em, am I right?”
“That’s right Donald!” the joker shouted again. “No one knows more than you do! Not Mitch the tuttle, not Dr. Nouci, and not even me!”
Trump babbled on for nearly forty more minutes, about space aliens wanting to eat his brain, Mexicans being bad people who want to eat his brain, the Democrats and Sleepy Joe stealing the election through Dominion voting machines, Hugo Chavez, Antifa, George Soros, Tony The Tiger, Captain Crunch… and space aliens who wanted not only to steal the election, but eat his brain.
He also babbled about the vaccines he claimed he had been responsible for and said they should have been called Donaldcines. The media, other than Fox News, Newsmax and OANN, had no idea what the whole thing was about.
Was he drunk? Was he high? Or was he simply being himself? Your guess is as good as anyone’s guess.