When I Was Five I Wanted To Be A Grown Up

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

As a five year old, I couldn’t wait to be a grown up. I was sick and tired of being a kid. I was sick and tired of eating dirt, sucking my thumb, picking my nose and eating boogers; peeing and pooping my pants, and never getting to stay up past 7:00!

I was sick and tired of watching cartoons; cartoons are for babies. I was five, damnit! Not a baby! I wanted to watch adult movies like my parents did, and do that thing they always did when it was time for me to go to bed.

I wanted to drink beer and get stinking – staggering drunk. I wanted to smoke cigarettes, and smoke that funny weed.

I wanted to peruse girly magazines and fondle myself like my big brother often did with his secret stash of girly magazines.

These were some of the reasons I couldn’t wait to be a grown up. But now that I’m a grown up and have experienced all of these things, I often wish I was a kid again.