On last night’s edition of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the host informed his viewers that America’s “self-described moral leaders” were denouncing him for pointing out the obvious. The obvious being that the Democratic party had such a powerful hold on not just the country as a whole, but the entire electorate. Through this all-powerful hold, they were forcing demographic changes by allowing immigrants to waltz across the southern border by the hundreds of thousands – like rats deserting a sinking ship – hoping to gain new voters.
“Immediately after I said that, liberals everywhere melted down like the snowflakes they are,” he said. “They became completely hysterical. They cried. They pulled their hair out. They rolled around on the floor pounding their fists like fools. They appeared on their talk shows and called me mean names. They accused me of promoting white supremacist conspiracy theories, the “great replacement” something or other.”
Here he rolled his eyes for dramatic effect, and waved a hand, dismissing the silly, hysterical libs.
“They cried so hard and so loud,” he continued, “they actually succeeded in pulling me off the air. That’s right. After all the years I’ve been telling you on this show how Democrats are destroying our very way of life with everything from immigration, Antifa, and the cancel and the culture wars, the mob have finally succeeded in pulling me of the air, once and for all. How did they do it, you ask? Well, like I said, they screamed and pulled their hair out, and got on their talk shows and denounced yours truly as a big bad racist. They also came here to the Fox studios and burned it to the ground just as they burned down the cities of Portland, and Seattle, both of which, by the way, no longer exist. Today they’re just smoldering ruins.
“As of today, I have been informed by the producers of this show that I will no longer be the host. You heard that right. I’ve been cancelled. I am no longer the host of this show. I am told that I have been replaced by an immigrant – you know, one of those people who they falsely accused me of saying ‘make America dirtier and poorer.’
“Thanks liberals. You’ve finally succeeded in cancelling yours truly.”
After the program aired, liberals cheered at the prospect that Carlson would no longer be on the air. Both MSNBC and CNN did news segments addressing Carlson’s monologue. None of them looked as they had been crying hysterically. None of them looked as if they had been pulling their hair out, or had beaten their fists bloody on the floor in fits of rage. And it was highly doubtful that any of them had recently participated in deliberate acts of arson.
“Tucker Carlson hasn’t been cancelled,” an anonymous insider told the Journal. “Anyone who thinks Fox News will ever fire Tucker, is living in a freaking fantasy land full of rainbows and unicorns. Tucker’s their bread and butter. He makes more money for them and brings in more viewers than any of the other clowns at the network. He could easily draw more viewers than the Pope could ever hope for in a televised broadcast to the masses.
“No one cries hysterically, pulls their hair out, or rolls around on the ground pounding their fists at anything Tucker says,” the insider continued. “If they do, then they really are snowflakes. And they certainly wouldn’t burn down the studio where he does his “show.” Not even BLM would give the schmuck the attention he craves. Tucker is full of shit, but the problem is 99.09 % of the rubes who watch him, believe every word he says.
“When they find out that Tucker was playing them, they probably will cry hysterically, pull their hair out and roll around on the ground pounding their fists like fools, and Tucker will have the last laugh, because to him, that will be the sweetest shit ever – knowing that he triggered the libs – even sweeter than his own bullshit.”