Dallas – Conservative pundit Tomi Lahren , host of Final Thoughts on The Blaze Network , suffered a minor aneurysm today. The feisty commentator , best known for her silly rants against liberals , blacks , president Obama , and Black Lives Matter , was well into one of her tirades concerning Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton , when she suddenly collapsed.
Ms. Lahren was rushed to Dallas Medical Center where it was determined that she had suffered a minor stroke. According to hospital officials , no lasting damage had been done but she was advised to stay in bed for a couple of weeks , and to avoid getting upset as much as possible.
“Asking Tomi not to get upset is like asking the Pope not to wear a hat ,” Glen Beck said , the following day on his show. “Obama , liberals , and Black Lives Matter drive her crazy. There’s just no way she can avoid getting upset. I don’t believe it’s possible. If she doesn’t kill herself next time , she may wind up becoming a vegetable. What kind of vegetable , remains to be seen. Stu , what kind of vegetable would best describe Tomi?”
“I’m thinking walnut?” Stu Burguiere said. “Because she looks tough to crack on the outside. But on the inside she’s more like a tomato , because she gets easily pissed off , and tomatoes are soft and squishy?”
“I think walnuts are fruits ,” Glen said.
Picking his nose , Pat Gray said , “I’m going with zucchini. I’ve always thought she looks like a zucchini.”
Despite doctors orders , less than a week later Ms. Lahren was back on set , tearing into the liberal left.
“For those of you who missed last weeks Final Thoughts , I had a minor stroke. And you know whose fault it was? That’s right , it was the fault of all the people who just can’t let things heal in America!
“That’s right. It’s your fault Barry! If you could pull yourself off the golf course long enough to finally do something about ISIS and other terrorists once and for all , America would be a safer place for all of us!
“It’s your fault Democrats! If you weren’t so busy kissing Hillary’s ass , and dumping on Trump , America would indeed be great again!
“It’s your fault liberals! If you all weren’t so worried about being offended about everything , we might be able to have a normal conversation!
“And last , but certainly not least , it’s your fault Black Lives Matter! If you people would just stop making me so mad , shut up about racism , and stop complaining about getting shot by police officers , this never would have happened!”
Pounding a fist on the desk , she concluded her tirade with , “It’s all your fault!” Then her eyes widened slightly and she attempted to speak again , but the words were gibberish. Saliva dribbled slowly down her chin , and her head pitched forward onto her desk.
Once again Ms. Lahren was rushed to Dallas Medical center , where she was later pronounced a zucchini.
The Weekly News 