When Barack Obama was first elected president , America was suddenly overrun with mindless , bug-eyed , drooling , homoerotic twerking , baby-dog-cat-brain eating zombies , and I’m not talking about the TV series. I’m talking about real , live zombies. People who voted for Obama … twice. People who obviously have no brains , or they never would have voted for him in the first place.
I’d seen a few episodes of The Walking Dead , and I’d seen a couple of my friends become mindless Ozombies – as I called them – who had lost all ability to think for themselves the moment they voted for Obama. Actually , they lost that ability long before they voted for him , simply for the fact they even considered voting for him , and mostly because they were liberals.
I’d also seen more than a few of my neighbors become Ozombies. There were more than several in my neighborhood alone. They were always easy to spot. They had that same blank , bug-eyed stare I’d seen in the faces of my friends. At times I would try to talk to a few of them , but nothing seemed to interest them if it didn’t have to do with Obama. I would get frustrated after a minute or two , and give up. It was like talking to a brick wall or something. They would repeat themselves over and over again , like they were a living record player for Obama. Like my friends , it was obvious the lights were on upstairs , but none of them were home ; I knew they were permanently on vacation , like Obama is always on vacation whenever America and the world is falling apart. They were probably day dreaming of playing a few rounds of golf with him and Tiger Woods , or shooting a few hoops with LeBron James.
The Homoerotic Twerking Dead
Often times they would drool absent-mindedly , completely unaware that they were even drooling. When they weren’t drooling all over themselves , and mumbling incoherently , or praising Obama , they could usually be seen twerking like Mylie Cyrus. I would sometimes see hordes of them in the streets and on sidewalks , bumping and grinding and thrusting obscenely to music only they could hear , and I knew they were Obama supporters. Sometimes I would be with my friends , and the ones who were Obama supporters would join them , much to the embarrassment of the rest of us. The mobs would always move as one , doing the same moves , as if they were on a stage , doing a well choreographed dance. It was like Obama himself was using telepathy to control their every move. He probably was. It was not only embarrassing , but uncanny , and unnerving. Crowds of onlookers would gather to watch them , many even joining in.
After witnessing these embarrassing spectacles , I couldn’t help but feel Dr. Gina was right! But instead of the Obama loving walking dead rising up and turning us all into homoerotic twerking , baby-dog-cat-brain eating Ozombies , I had no doubt that Obama could do it himself. After all , he is the most evil man in the world. It was apparent after witnessing the twerking dead with my own eyes.
Besides twerking being one of their favorite activities , I was terrified that one day , I would see one or more of them suddenly grab a child or a dog off the street and devour them whole , because it’s a fact that Ozombies are cannibals , and love eating small children and pets. It’s in their nature. At first I was sure it was just a rumor. That is , until I read Victoria Jackson’s book , To Serve Obama. Then I knew it was true. Besides human brains being one of their favorite things to eat , animal brains are also acceptable. According to Jackson children and pets are also one of their favorite foods , especially if they’re mixed in with a broth made from any flavor of Campbell’s soup. But thank God I never witnessed it with my own eyes. If any of them did try to eat their kids or pets , or anyone else’s , mixed in with Campbell’s soup , they did in their own homes where I didn’t have to see it.
Conservatives , like myself – who actually have brains , well , you know what I mean – know that liberals are like zombies – even more so if they voted for Obama. They have that lemming mentality. They love to follow the pack wherever it runs. They mimic everything it does and says. If Obama told them to jump off a cliff , like the true lemmings they are , I believe they would gladly do so , all the while drooling , grinning stupidly , and singing Obama’s praises , completely oblivious to their own impending doom.
My friends who voted for Obama , were no exceptions. They had the same blank eyed stare as any zombie I’d ever seen. Every time one of them would talk about him , or even mention his name , their eyes would develop that glazed over expression that is characteristic of someone in a trance induced state. I began to wonder if it were possible that Obama had some kind of hold over them , or if the mere mention of his name had some hypnotic spell over them. Some people believed he was the Anti-Christ , after all. Maybe that had something to do with it. Well , whatever it was , they no longer had any brains , that was for sure. I don’t mean their brains were literally gone – although they may as well have been – but they certainly no longer had minds of their own because they voted for Obama. He was now their lord and master. It was apparent in everything they said and did. Every moment of their waking lives were devoted to Obama. It was Obama this , Obama that. Obama will save us. Obama will save the economy. Obama will do this , Obama will do that , blah , blah , blah. Obama , Obama , Obama. If Obama himself had been present , I had no doubt they would have their noses permanently glued to his rear end. They were like drones , repeating everything and anything he said. I couldn’t shut them up. I was getting sick and tired of hearing Obama’s name. It got to the point that every time I heard his name , I would feel nauseated. I wanted to vomit.
I Dream Of Julio
Every time I saw his face in a newspaper or magazine , or on TV , and heard his voice , I would become even more nauseated. I couldn’t decide which was worse , his name , hearing his voice , or seeing his face. The more I saw his face , the more nauseated I became , and the reason , I eventually concluded , was the mole beside his nose.
At first , I was mildly disgusted by it. I know some people find moles attractive , but personally I have always found them disgusting , especially if they’re on someone’s face. And what’s even worse , is a mole with a strand of hair growing out if it. Yuck! Thank God Obama’s mole didn’t have a piece of hair. I don’t know what I would have done if it had. I probably would have freaked out completely.
The second time Obama was elected , it was even worse. There were even more bug-eyed , mindless , drooling , homoerotic twerking Ozombies. And my friends were even more annoying , and more brain-dead than they previously were. I could only conclude that it was because they had been Ozombies for so long , it was all they knew.
It wasn’t until after I read another Victoria Jackson book , The Mole That Is Not Really A Mole In The White House : Obama’s Mole Not Really A Mole , But His Evil Conjoined Twin , that I knew what it was. It was the Mole. It had to be. There was no other explanation. In the book , Jackson claimed the mole , which she called Julio , was Obama’s evil twin brother , that it was the Anti-Christ , and that it was influencing him to destroy America.
At first I was skeptical. The whole thing seemed laughable to any sane person. How could a mole have a life of its own? It was ridiculous. It was insane to even consider it. A mole is just a harmless mole , no matter how creepy and disgusting it may be. I wanted to laugh and dismiss the whole idea as the delusion of a crazy person. I could understand why liberals called her a nut and a wacko. Even I was inclined to believe she was nuts. But what other explanation could there be? If it wasn’t Obama himself who was influencing the odd behavior of my friends and neighbors , and millions of Americans , then it had to be the mole. It had to be Julio.
As much as I wanted to I couldn’t just dismiss it as the rambling of a crazy woman. What if she was right?
To find out , I watched Obama on CSPAN during the State Of The Union Address. And like Jackson , I too became convinced that Obama’s mole was indeed the Anti-Christ , and I too had nightmares about it. I was sitting in front of the boob tube , drinking bottle after bottle of Lone Wolf , getting a good buzz on , bored out of my mind , listening to his voice drone on and on , hoping it would end soon , before I felt the urge to commit suicide. I tried to focus on the mole , but the more buzzed I became , the more difficult it was to concentrate. I was starting to feel drowsy from all the beer. In a moment I dozed off , and dreamed of a huge , grotesque mole , the size of a head. It had eyes , a nose , and a mouth , and looked exactly like Obama , right down to the large , floppy ears.
The mole also had a mole , in the exact same spot Obama had his , and it too looked like him. Both sets of eyes opened , and looked right at me. They were glowing ; I could see flames dancing in the pupils. I wanted to scream but it was locked in my throat. Then I heard a voice that sounded just like Obama , saying , “My name is Julio. I am the Anti-Christ. I am your lord and master. You will do everything I say. You cannot refuse. When you wake up … “
That was all I heard. Before it could finish speaking , something even scarier happened. A single strand of hair began to sprout from both moles , and then I did scream. I came awake with a start , with maniacal laughter ringing in my ears …
… And was staring right into the largest mole I had ever seen , and it too had a mole , and both of them were sprouting the longest strands of hair I had ever seen. They seemed to stretch for miles. I screamed again and passed out.
I came to in a hospital bed. They told me a neighbor had heard my scream and called the police. Apparently they had found me unconscious on the floor of my apartment babbling something about giant freaky looking moles that looked like Obama , sprouting hairs that were equally freaky. The doctor and nurses thought I was nuts ; I could see it in their eyes. They asked me if I would like to volunteer to check myself into the psych ward.
I told them I wasn’t crazy. I really did see them. But they didn’t believe me.
And that was how I almost became a mindless , drooling , bug-eyed , homoerotic twerking , baby-dog-cat-brain eating Ozombie.
The Weekly News 